8 SIGNS YOUR TODDLER IS TRYING TO KILL YOU

Today the amazing Jillist gives us a quiz to figure out whether our toddlers are tiny assassins. Thanks Jill, I needed this quiz.- Punk Rock Papa, officially afraid of his children now. 



I’m beginning to suspect my toddler may be a hired Assassin and unfortunately I am her mark. The fact that she keeps trying to kill me is the real dead-giveaway clue.

If you think 2 years old couldn’t possibly be a plausible age in which to commit murder, think again. All the signs are there.

To test my theory I even took the “How to Tell if Your Toddler is a Tiny Assassin” quiz. As expected, my little one scored off the freaking charts. This completely confirms my suspicions since everybody knows these types of assessments are very, very reliable. 

Take the quiz to see how your kid stacks up. But be forewarned, you may not like the results.
1. When your toddler has a moment to herself, you find her:
A) quietly playing with her toys like the angel she is
B) using her dry-erase markers to “decorate” your cookbooks instead of her easel
C) engaged in a quiet conversation on a throwaway phone-like device
 
2. On a typical day your toddler dresses: 
A) in one outfit after the next, she’s a total mess magnet
B) in a diaper, if you’re lucky, she’s going through a naked phase
C) in protective gloves and a suspicious dark-colored ski mask
 
3. During meals your toddler:
A) manages to swallow some food but “shampoos” most of it into her hair
B) violently rocks the high chair back and forth so as to induce a parental heart attack
C) disassembles and cleans the components of her big brother’s nerf gun

4. At story time your toddler sits on your lap and:
A) listens attentively as you read a selection of books
B) forces you to read “moo, baa la la la” until the cows come home
C) delivers an uppercut palm-punch to the nose like a goddamn street fighter, just to test your reflexes

5. When you are wok-frying something in hot oil your toddler:
A) steers clear, she understands “hot” means hot
B) whines “uppie, uppie” nonstop until you lift her to get a better view of the sizzling action
C) performs a “run and charge” maneuver full speed at the back of your legs, causing them to buckle abruptly so you come perilously close to the flame

6. During cuddle time your toddler:
A) lays her head against your chest and sweetly sniffs her blankie
B) tries to squirm and wiggle away from you, she thinks keep away from mommy is a fun game
C) gazes lovingly into your eyes to weaken your defenses, then firmly yanks on your necklace hard enough to leave ligature marks

7. Throughout the day your toddler is rarely seen without:

A) her lovey
B) her finger up her nose
C) a copy of “How to Make Disposable Silencers and Suppressors for Dummies”

8. One of your toddler’s very first phrases was:
A) “hi mommy”
B) “why mommy?”
C) “die mommy”


QUIZ RESULTS:
Give your child zero points for each “a” answer, one point for each “b” answer and two points for each “c” answer.

4 Points or Fewer
WOULDN’T HARM A LADYBUG

Your mellow munchkin is as laid back as they come. Though it may be hard to tell beneath all that pudge, your little girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She’s more apt to go with the flow then create a big fuss. Sure, she may throw a typical toddler tantrum every now and then, but rest assured she doesn’t have those killer instincts.

5 to 10 Points
COULDN’T HURT TO GET THE WIGGLES OUT

Your feisty little girl wants things done her way, right away. While she’s a definite firecracker, never fear, she’s not an assassin in the making. Her sassy tude may drive you batty sometimes, but it’s mostly harmless.

11 Points or More
SPELLS “PSYCHO” WITH ALPHABET SOUP

Your twisted toddler is out for mommy blood. Though you may be tempted to ditch her on the nearest church stoop, turn the tables on her instead by killing her with kindness. Think breakfast in bed, UGG boots, and heated bath towels. All that spoiled attention is sure to melt her tiny black heart.

Jill_G_Finals_Web_Res-43Jill Ginsberg has several 3-letter certifications behind her signature but the one she’s most known for having is OCD. As a Writer, Holistic Nutritionist and the mother of three wild little humans, she relishes order, tends to think in lists, appreciates humor and doesn’t mind offending people. You can find her at thejillist.com, a lighthearted lifestyle and wellness blog that helps moms lose their shit and get it together at the same time.You can also follow her on Twitter and Facebook.
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21 comments on “8 SIGNS YOUR TODDLER IS TRYING TO KILL YOU
  1. My kid isn’t a toddler, but he’s definitely plotting something. Just the other day I caught him watching a YouTube video on how to make cyanide from apple seeds.

    Goddamn YouTube.

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