Ban Public Breast-feeding

Oh great, another Pasta Fagioli ruined by some woman trying to nourish her hungry child. Doesn’t it bother anyone that she thinks it’s okay to feed her child at the table like that? Someone should boot her from the restaurant!


If you have ever thought these thoughts, congratulations! You are going to love my proposed laws to stop these mothers who think it is okay to feed their child in public!




Ban all mothers who breastfeed from going in public! Say no to public lactaters!


Okay, I propose we outright ban mothers from going into public. Not ALL mothers. Just the ones who recently went through childbirth and now think it is okay to provide sustenance to their child whenever and wherever! Those mothers. The Lactaters. How dare they? Trying to provide nutrients to their offspring, and expecting me to mind my own business! They are the problem with society today!


I say we don’t allow them to leave the house. No, they must stay home until they are done breastfeeding. And no, I am not giving you the restroom. No, I don’t want them in the restaurant bathroom feeding their child where people go to release their bowels. My chicken alfredo and I are out here knowing you are crammed in some nasty bathroom stall trying to be a parent. If anything, a mother and her child should have to drive all the way home to breastfeed their child. Don’t care that you live forty-five minutes away! Don’t care that this is your first time out since spending nine months carrying the next generation. Nope, go home and feed.


Ban all bottles! You’re not getting off easy moms!


My bread sticks were recently ruined by mom at table two feeding her son. No, he wasn’t suckling on a breast. It was still pretty disgusting! He had a bottle! have you seen the top of a bottle? It’s designed to look like a nipple! Get that filth out of public too! I can’t believe an issue has never been risen over this! I will take charge though and clean up the brothel we used to know as Olive Garden!


Seriously, what right do these women have to take care of their kids? No right I gave them! I didn’t vote and pass a “mind your own business and let them feed their child law”. I would never just sit there and eat my food while not worrying about someone trying to simply care for their children. I am a people watcher and watching people take care of their kids by feeding them sickens me.

bottle nipple



Women need to stop dressing however they want!


A little off topic, but still on the subject of women. I am tired of seeing all these women out here in tank tops because its 80 degrees out. Boo hoo! I don’t care that I am sitting here in shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt. I don’t have those boob things!

Look, I get it and I am willing to be flexible here. I am not calling for women to start wearing a burka. Just poodle skirts. And giant loose-fitting sweaters. That’s more than fair and fashionable. Women who decide to be rebels will be sent home with the breast-feeding moms to think about their actions! I am not against women wearing what they want, as long as none of their skin from their neck down shows. I am being very reasonable here!


Let’s give them a comeback!


Babies shouldn’t be allowed to cry in public!


That’s right, I said it! I am tired of your baby being a baby. I can’t tell you how many times I have been to my local diner to see some snot-nosed, breast-feeding, diaper wearing baby whining. I am done with you ruining my Denny’s! I don’t care that it says “family restaurant”! They did that to be nice! Why yes, I am glaring at you!


I am a strong believer that kids should be neither seen or heard. That is why I propose all restaurants install a family section that is windowless and sound proof and locks from the outside. I am even willing to volunteer in installation and eat my afternoon brunch outside the door to make sure it works! I don’t think this is unreasonable at all. I don’t like children acting their age all up in my public space.

Blueprint of new family room at Denny's

Blueprint of new family room at Denny’s.

Ban all women and children from public!

This is the end all, if all else fails measure. The easiest way to not offend me is by not being allowed to leave the house. And while I will still be disgusted by the knowledge that you take care of your child’s dietary needs, there is not anywhere else I can banish you other than your home.


Or can I?


My final proposed law is to banish all women and children to Antarctica! Let them be the penguin’s problem! Then and only then will I be able to mind my own business when out in public! Only then will I feel safe and comfortable with my meal!


Your problem now.


As you can see I have thoroughly thought through these matters and come up with what I believe to be agreeable compromises for everyone. I think by working together we can rid the world of the problems brought about by breast-feeding. I didn’t even get into my legislation about women greeting their husband’s at the door with a scotch and a smile. We can save that for a later date!


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14 comments on “Ban Public Breast-feeding
  1. Oh yes you preach it Papa!!! What was God thinking about putting those mammary glands on a Mom? And using them in public for sustenance to feed a baby in public!!! Oh the whole world is crashing in, God forbid anyone knows there’s boobs underneath a blanket. All kidding aside I threatened to throat punch a guy that told me to put those “things” away while I fed my baby in a darkened movie theatre. Needless to say he kept on mysteriously getting popcorn in his hair with my free hand. I put my Morherhood multi-tasking skills to good use.

  2. The lunacy of it all. First breastfeeding, then those lactaters are going to teach their offspring to walk, then run. WTF is the world coming to? I just can’t. Even.

  3. I think there’s a genius idea hidden away unexploited in this rant, which is spot on I hasten to add. We should totally be brothelising Olive Gardens! They may have to change that ‘when you’re here, you’re family’ tag line, however!
    Excellent work, Papa! School ’em!

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