Dick Jokes

I walked in on my one year old with his diaper open, hand just busying itself to his little…uhhh. I don’t really want to illustrate this picture. My one year old enjoys touching himself. Anytime his diaper is removed, he goes to work with a big smile on his face.

I don’t remember this chapter in the parenting books. True Life: My one-year-old won’t stop jerking off.

This won’t be your normal blog post. There are no butterflies or words of wisdom to be found here. Just dick jokes. The masturbating baby story- that is your trigger warning. Dude humor ahead.

I live in a toddler frat house, full of random wet spots and smelling clothes to see if they have another wear in them. Any given afternoon you can find four boys sitting in front of the TV with their hands near their crotches wearing nothing but underoos.

The Underwoods love being in nothing but their Underoos. I like to think us lounging about like this helps keep laundry low. I am really doing a service by leading the underwear brigade.

As my son and I shared a Root Beer, we practiced our alphabets. In belches. Ever seen a three-year old hopped up on sugar, belching his alphabet? It rides the line between irresponsible and responsible. On one hand, he is getting really good at his alphabet. On the other, well maybe a three-year old shouldn’t be drinking soda.

But… he has to learn his alphabet by the fall for preschool. So the good outweighs the bad here. His twin brother doesn’t even really like soda. So I am 1 for 2 on the good parenting there.

My son peed on the dog a few weeks back. I wanted to scold him. I think the dog wanted to bite his private parts off. Here comes another but.

But… his aim was AMAZING! The dog tried to get out-of-the-way of the little super soaker but fireman toddler just held his hose and followed the flames.

The dog was justifiably pissed. I couldn’t bring myself to scold my son though. Aim is important when you have to spend your life standing.

We don’t get to sit. And if we do sit, we don’t get to admit it.

With a house full of boys I sometimes wonder about women. I like to think I would be a great dad if I had a daughter too. I would be a lot like Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys 2

You a virgin? Good, keep it that way. Aint gonna be no fuckin’ tonight!

I don’t know what you do with a daughter other than insinuate you will shoot any boy who comes near her. Build tampon dollhouses?

I think I would line her up with her brothers as we wrestled and fought.

No means I will fuck you up if you touch me. 

That would be her motto for sure. Raising girls is undoubtably tough. Especially in today’s ever more technologically driven age. Which, can I just say- who is teaching their children that whipping out their dicks is a great ice breaker???

I definitely missed the lesson in gentleman courtship where Romeo stood outside Juliet’s window and spun his wiener like a windmill to make her swoon.

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!

Romeo unfastens tunic

My fair lady! O, how my tallywhacker spins

Again,O, Again for thee!

Juliet becomes hypnotized by the spinning

My sweet Romeo

Doth that be your unsolicited wee wee

O, great bastions of joy

I am transfixed upon your

Windmill love for thee

This is why you don’t spark notes Shakespeare. You miss the key parts of the play.

The more I think on it, the gladder I am I don’t have a daughter. Just three Romeos I will need to sit down and tell not to send dick pics to girls.

 

Life with boys really is amazing.

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