Family Photoshoot

There is a reason my kids are in all my pictures.

No, it’s not because of my unwavering love or affection for them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids! Adore them, even! But the reason they are in my pictures is not rooted in that.

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Kids are attention gold mines! Seriously, the children provide much needed confidence boosters throughout the year. Test my theory. Take a selfie with a kid. Take a selfie sans child. Watch the difference in attention you get.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/194/78604684/files/2015/01/img_7038.jpg Which is cuter?

Sure, okay, most of the compliments will be directed towards the kid. I know that, I get it. So here is what you do. Write how that child is a terrible person and attach it to the picture.

“This little monster hasn’t let me sleep in three days! I love him, though!”

BOOM. Attention and praise is being focused on the one person who really needs it in the picture. Me, baby! I know some people are this far and thinking “wow, that punk rock papa is a horrible person,” but come on, am I really? Horribly honest is quite possible, but horrible? No way.

I’m doing what any and everyone else does! Go through your newsfeed! You KNOW who has a kid because that kid is in their picture or IS their picture. Why? Because they know that kids are a goldmine. No one sees a picture with a kid in it and scrolls past. I’m pretty sure you would break your scroller. Some message would come up saying, “Don’t move past this without liking or commenting, this person needs this! Don’t be an ass. There you go, hit that like button. Now you may carry on, happy scrolling!” Actually, I’m not sure what would happen. I’ve never tried to scroll past a picture of a kid. I know the rules.

I’m sure there are parents out there right now shaking their heads and saying, “NOPE! I do it because I love little Johnny! I post those pictures because of my love for him!”

OH REALLY!? Little Johnny got a Facebook where he gets to see how much his mom adores him? Little Johnny knows you love him because of all of your selfies? No, you’re doing it for the likes and the compliments. Just. Like. Me.

Another great thing is no one tells you your kid is ugly. It’s always, “How adorable!” Now, I’m not saying I’m worried my kids are ugly, but it’s reassuring to hear from people how NOT ugly my kid is. I know I wear parent goggles that make my boys more handsome than that Bradley Cooper fellow or that Magic Mike dude. Maybe you’re posting because you’re worried about Little Johnny looking like he fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch. If that’s the case I am sorry for accusing you of posting his picture for the attention and I happen to think he is quite adorable… We cool?

Some parents can get by on their own looks and I envy them. Me? No way; I’ll stick to using my kids as the little self esteem boosters they are. I spend my days clothing, feeding and nurturing them. They can pay it forward. It’s not like they hate getting their pictures taken. Sure, I might have to tickle one into an illusion of happiness. That end result though? Daddy has fifty likes on a selfie that would, under normal circumstances, get twelve likes tops. And the kids? Well, they have a dad who struts around like a proud peacock, only MY beautiful feathers are my children. Now excuse me while I go stage a loving moment with my kids.

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Who am I kidding? You’re probably off to do the same.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/194/78604684/files/2015/01/img_63463.jpg We are live!

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13 comments on “Family Photoshoot
  1. i have a code phrase when regarding an ugly baby/child: “awww look at his/her hands…” It’s only failed me one time. How was I supposed to know the kid had webbed fingers?

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