Five Disasters of Adorable Proportions

Try as we might to keep up on everything, kids are messy. They aren’t just messy, they are insanely messy. You can’t step out of a room for a minute without returning to the scene of what clearly had to be one hell of a party. Before kids I had always thought my dog would always hold the title for destroyer of rooms. She quickly lost that honor when the boys became mobile. So here it is, my first attempt at the “hip” “rad” list blogging.

1) Mealtime

Man, don’t you sometimes wish you could just formula feed them? Simple, little bit of mess on the shirt collars but other than that it is a simple and easy task. I don’t know what it is about food that kids feel it would function great as hair gel. My kids end the day with bits of cheerio, pasta sauce and juice matted into their adorable little heads. Anything they eat, the thought process is “I wonder how this will look in my hair, I’ll just rub some in there,”. Don’t get me started on my beautiful walls, which have become adorned with toddler cave drawings. Spaghetti hand prints are scattered through my house like blues clues, if I ever make it big I want my first sponsor to be Mr. Clean magic erasers.

I’m seriously worried my kids are malnourished. The doctor says they are healthy but I just don’t know how much of their meals are being eaten by them. Between whipping corn at me, sliding chicken nuggets to the dog on the sly and their current quest to become Banksy not much food has to be eaten. “Well you have to hand feed them”… Well you can go ahead and try, but these tyrants will fight you and demand to feed themselves. I’m using the term feed rather loosely here.

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2) Bathtime

In an effort to wash food hair product out I end up making my bathroom look like New Orleans circa 2005. My kids are some serious splashers. I almost want to resort to sponge bathing so I don’t end up in a puddle after twenty minutes. Fighting two toddlers at bath time is what I envision trying to baptize the devil would be like.

Once I apply shampoo to my kids heads and go to wash it out all hell breaks loose. I’m not sure if my kids are gifted but they know the five D’s of dodgeball and have a bright future in the sport. We have a pelican water jug to wash the soap away. I’ve never witnessed such elusiveness as when that fucker comes out. All of a sudden my kids channel Neo from the Matrix. Water, flailing body parts and bubbles. I wipe the water from my glasses to see two smiling faces, and shampoo Mohawks still perfect. Screw it, let them go to bed with shampoo in their hair.

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3) personal time

Anytime I leave the room to use the bathroom I never know what I’m going to come back to. That’s not true, I do know. There will be a mess, I’m just unsure of the size and clean up time involved. Today my kids got a hold of the newspaper. I am not sure the thought process they had all I know is it looked like my kids were getting into extreme couponing. Stella, the dog, sat in the corner jealous of their paper shredding ability. Bear in mind I was in the bathroom for thirty seconds. In a thirty second period top stories, regional, opinion, and sports had been destroyed. I managed to save the classifieds which was good because I’m going to need a maid to help keep up with these monsters.

Any unsupervised time is spent destroying. These kids have a toy chest, it never gets attention. Until daddy is straining Mac and cheese. Then my kids turned into body builders. They literally flipped the thing! Toys scattered EVERYWHERE. I’m still finding blocks in the oddest places, how the hell did they end up behind the entertainment system?? Another kid favorite is taking the couch cushions and spreading them around. I know, five cushions and back pillows aren’t a major mess, unless you couple it with a flipped toy chest and shredded newspaper.

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4) Laundry Day

Folding clothes with kids around is useless. I sit there folding the same shirt six times because one of the kids deemed my first fold job not up to par. Finally, after folding each article of clothing at least six times my kids’ Hulkamania kicks in and they flip the basket… The basket that should have taken me five minutes to fold but took a half hour because I had to re fold everything like I had some strange form of OCD.

Laundry folding ends up being like the movie Groundhog Day. Every day. Same basket. Same clothes. It gets to the point where I have begun to accept the wrinkled shirt lifestyle. Even putting clothes away in dressers. If I do miraculously manage to fold the clothes and put them away my kids will find a way to get five seconds of free time to remove any clothes they can reach in their dresser. I’m starting to think that the dog is in on this, I don’t trust her.

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5) Cleaning Time

Ever tried to sweep with toddlers? They want to help…and completely suck at it. Thanks I did make that pile of dirt so you could sort through it in your freshly cleaned wrinkled clothes. I’ve got four grubby spaghetti hands grabbing for the broom every time I try to sweep. It’s tiring, I’m yawning just thinking of the power struggle I will have to deal with next time I sweep the kitchen.

Sweeping isn’t the only time I run into problems with the destructo crew either. It’s really any form of cleaning. Dishes? Have to spend twenty minutes looking for the child size utensils that were used as projectiles. Anytime I pick up a toy and put it away I return to two toys in the previous place. Sometimes it feels like I spend half my day pacing back in forth between the toy bin and couch, each time becoming slightly more unhinged. The kids almost think of it as a game, I see the evil in their eyes as they take a toy and place it on the ground. They have trained me quite well.

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Now I used to be super pumped for nap time. I thought it was open to everybody and would be a wonderful siesta. NOPE. When my kids go down for nap I have to go and fetch my french maid outfit. Food needs to be prepped for wall art, bathrooms need their flood water mopped up. Then it’s on to flipped toy boxes and clothes to fold. Even then naptime is only an hour and a half to two hours tops. Then five minutes after the house is a beautiful disaster again. The cycle never ends *eye twitch*

Do you have a hard time keeping up with the mess? What’s a story of mess from your house?

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14 comments on “Five Disasters of Adorable Proportions
  1. My worst mess was her first birthday. My instigator of a mother sat beside her while she had her cake. Suffice it to say I couldn’t pick her up for a week without smelling icing sugar, even after 4 baths. That is some seriously wicked spaghetti face!! You & Punk Rock Mama have some awesomely cute kids 🙂

  2. Yes Papa you preach and we are your choir joining in the masses of your wonderful blog!!!! You’ve described my life with one tyrant of a three year old, who’s shenanigans are equal to two. It does help that he’s adorable and has an awesome older brother. But I’ve been crying and bitching about the same 5 loads of laundry now for 3 weeks!!! Every Friday it’s the same routine fold, wash, put away eventually. My youngest son is a seeker of sensory input so one of his favourite games is to dump the clean, folded laundry and replace it with his toys and push it around the house. It’s great OT for him but I’m reduced to a puddle of tears. Bath time can literally be an hour long for my little fish. While I clean up the monsoon he’s started on the floor, walls, and toilet. And my oldest son God bless him, picks up the toys for the gazillionth time that day. He does it to earn Ipad time as a reward and he’s just a good kid. He sees the smoke rising from my ears and jumps on board the crazy train. Thank you for your awesome blog I’m going to print it out and put it on my fridge. And when my hubby comes home and asks me what I’ve done all day, I’ll point to the list and pour myself another glass of wine.

    • Thanks so much for reading! I was worried i might be the only one haha!! Kids are messy little destroyers but they always seem to do that one thing to totally redeem themselves, am i right?!?! Anyways thanks for coming by, reading and commenting! I love hearing others’ situations 🙂

  3. “Fighting two toddlers at bath time is what I envision trying to baptize the devil would be like.”
    hahaaha you’re really funny! I loved this!

    Don’t fold laundry. You just wear the clothes as they come out of the dryer.
    xo

    • Ive learned from great bloggers that its important to respond to comments.

      I will start wearing my clothes out of the dryer. A whole load on me, get your mind out the gutter!

      Seriously though thanks so much for reading my blog and taking the time to comment!

  4. I have seen the evil in kid’s eyes when they place a toy on a freshly cleaned floor. Mine fight over whose going to be the first mess maker. But no one ever wants to be the first one to pick up the mess!

    Epic writing, I wish your list was longer, I need more!

  5. I just came across your blog due to ur Facebook page. I’ve read a few of ur posts but nothing as funny as this. I laughed so much that I was crying.
    My hubby can relate to the whole pick up one toy and find 2 more in its place. And pacing back and forth from couch to toy box.
    My two terrors, not toddlers anymore, but they still have their inner Neo come back time. Lol

    I will continue to read ur blog. Every frustrated parent needs a good laugh after a disastious day.

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