Friday Thinkerings; Christmas Edition

These are the random thoughts that pop into my head from time to time and are too small to blog and too silly to status. These are my thinkerings.

– I wonder if the elves get Santacare.

– We shouldn’t teach our children to sit in strange old men’s laps.

– If I was Rudolph I would have said screw those other reindeer.

– With all the Coca-Cola polar bears drink it’s surprising we don’t have a polar bears diabetes epidemic*

*google polar bears diabetes statistics later

– Do you think Mrs. Claus ever gets jealous of some presents Santa gives to women. He gave my wife a $100 gift card to Victoria Secret last year.

– I have always wanted to ride a narwhal, they are the real unicorns.

– An old man watches you all year then breaks into your house to bestow gifts you want, but he isn’t a stalker?

– Why’s Santa got to call everyone a Ho?

– Footloose is to penguins as Happy Feet is to humans.

– Candy Canes are delicious and do not deserve to be looked down on as seasonal candy.

– Candy Corn is a seasonal candy because it takes you a whole year to get that God awful taste out of your mouth.

– Elf on The Shelf is cute in a creepy dolls are alive way I guess.

– Instead of Elf on the Shelf I’m going to use the G.I. Joe on Christmas patrol

– G.I. Joe on Christmas Patrol was my second idea. My first was the single mom on the candy cane pole but I felt that might not be kid friendly enough.

– The song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is both beautiful and an awful horrible song. Sounds like a recount of a night at Bill Cosby’s.

– The movie Elf made everyone think about trying chocolate syrup and spaghetti at least once, right?

– We tell our kids to be good or Santa won’t bring them presents then tell them not to lie. Oh, teach them irony at a young age.

– When I was a child I was addicted to my advent calendar. I would get all itchy and jumpy whenever my mom pulled it out for my single chocolate of the day.

– While the do good advent calendar Sister Serendip does is adorable and awesome, I would have a meltdown if I was her kid. Give me damn chocolate, don’t force me to do extra around the house!

– If Mrs. Clause ever kicks Santa to the curb you know the first list he is looking at is the naughty list.

– Man that Elf on the Shelf creeps me out and I’m an adult.

– Think Santa ever accidentally breaks into a Jewish home and is like ” That’s not a lamp, That’s a Menorah! No presents from me ho!”

– The more I think about the concept of Santa from a parents perspective the more I want to pepper spray the guy at the mall that’s job is to sit little kids on his lap.

What are your random Christmas thinkerings?


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