These are the random thoughts that pop into my head from time to time and are too small to blog and too silly to status. These are my thinkerings.
– I wonder if the elves get Santacare.
– We shouldn’t teach our children to sit in strange old men’s laps.
– If I was Rudolph I would have said screw those other reindeer.
– With all the Coca-Cola polar bears drink it’s surprising we don’t have a polar bears diabetes epidemic*
*google polar bears diabetes statistics later
– Do you think Mrs. Claus ever gets jealous of some presents Santa gives to women. He gave my wife a $100 gift card to Victoria Secret last year.
– I have always wanted to ride a narwhal, they are the real unicorns.
– An old man watches you all year then breaks into your house to bestow gifts you want, but he isn’t a stalker?
– Why’s Santa got to call everyone a Ho?
– Footloose is to penguins as Happy Feet is to humans.
– Candy Canes are delicious and do not deserve to be looked down on as seasonal candy.
– Candy Corn is a seasonal candy because it takes you a whole year to get that God awful taste out of your mouth.
– Elf on The Shelf is cute in a creepy dolls are alive way I guess.
– Instead of Elf on the Shelf I’m going to use the G.I. Joe on Christmas patrol
– G.I. Joe on Christmas Patrol was my second idea. My first was the single mom on the candy cane pole but I felt that might not be kid friendly enough.
– The song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is both beautiful and an awful horrible song. Sounds like a recount of a night at Bill Cosby’s.
– The movie Elf made everyone think about trying chocolate syrup and spaghetti at least once, right?
– We tell our kids to be good or Santa won’t bring them presents then tell them not to lie. Oh, teach them irony at a young age.
– When I was a child I was addicted to my advent calendar. I would get all itchy and jumpy whenever my mom pulled it out for my single chocolate of the day.
– While the do good advent calendar Sister Serendip does is adorable and awesome, I would have a meltdown if I was her kid. Give me damn chocolate, don’t force me to do extra around the house!
– If Mrs. Clause ever kicks Santa to the curb you know the first list he is looking at is the naughty list.
– Man that Elf on the Shelf creeps me out and I’m an adult.
– Think Santa ever accidentally breaks into a Jewish home and is like ” That’s not a lamp, That’s a Menorah! No presents from me ho!”
– The more I think about the concept of Santa from a parents perspective the more I want to pepper spray the guy at the mall that’s job is to sit little kids on his lap.
What are your random Christmas thinkerings?