And so ends a saga in American History. A chapter slowly comes to a close. A new book begins to be written.
As Barack Obama’s presidential term comes to a close, a new door in American Politics opens up. To some, Obama was Black Jesus. Others? A Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Regardless of what you thought of the man, it is safe to say once the incumbent leaves office, looking at current candidates, the great nation known as The United States Of America, is completely fucked.
Seriously, let’s take a look at the four leading candidates looking to fit into some presidential knickerbockers. We have two democrats and two republicans captivating headlines.
There is the politico machine, former first lady, and current heavyweight democratic favorite: Hillaryyyyyyyy DontMentionBenghazi Clintonnnnnnnn!
Up next on the ballot for democrats to choose from is the charismatic yet ancient man. Everyone’s favorite jewish socialist, The Bern man: Bernie MyHealthIsNotAFactor Sanderssssssss!
Then, in the red corner, weighing in with outrageously wild speeches that continue to point to polls, we have the businessman turned politician: Donald MyHairIsReal Trumpppppp!
And then, quite possibly the least favorite person by the RNC’s standards, a man no one knew about a few months ago: Teddy ImAmericanNotCanadian Cruzzzzzzzzzzzz!
There are other candidates, although I don’t think most could name them.
For the democrats there is… Uhhhh…? Biden? He is running, right?
For the Republicans there is a huge field. Handsome Rubio, Jerry Curl Rand Paul (Jr.), Dr. Dramamine Carson, that one lady who is mean to Donald. Oh, and DJ Christie from the state made popular for blowouts, spray tans and bridge fiascos.
Make no mistake, no one is perfect, but this roster of “all stars” looks like the Bad News Bears before they found a coach. This is The Mighty Ducks, at the beginning of the movie, before Emilio Estevez saved the day and we let him melt into obscurity in favor of his insane brother.
Let’s look a little closer at the playing field. Seeing as how the incumbent is democratic, let’s take a look at who his heir apparent would be from his party.
Skeletor Hillary Clinton
Now, it would be a little unfair to only represent Hilary as Bill’s wife. Before and after her husband’s presidential terms, Hilary has continued to be a mainstay at Capitol Hill. Most notably, she was even Secretary of State! Fun fact- this is often considered the position of the heir apparent for the administration. Time and time again, the Secretary of State has gone on to become Commander In Chief. Foreshadowing? Possibly.
Hilary is a heavy favorite from her party. Unfortunately, besides her claim to fame being Bill’s wife and a woman, her political stance can be best seen as switching constantly from orthodox to southpaw with the tide of the public. To be fair, this is something most career politicians do. Feed the public what they want, and wait for the next meal they demand. She is also mired in controversy; from dumping emails to not kicking Monica Lewinsky’s ass on the White House green.
Dr. Emmit Brown
Feel the Bern! Bernie has captivated a new wave of youth voters tired of feeling like they have no say in the world. Which is sort of ironic, considering just how old Sanders would be in office. At 75, he would beat out Republican God Ronald Reagan as oldest to take the office.
Now it should be noted Bernie Sanders is saying all the right things. He speaks of equality as if it is easily attainable. Now, if we could only remember eight years ago, when a bright charismatic leader ran on the platform of CHANGE! That isn’t to say Bernie doesn’t believe he can come into office and make sweeping changes. That is just to say while the youth and many throw their weight behind the surprising dark horse from Vermont, his party seems desperately to be throwing all their weight behind Hilary Clinton. And that age! Most wouldn’t feel comfortable with a 79 (which Bernie would be if you count four years into his possible presidency) year old behind the wheel of a car, let alone a nation.
The democrats have given us Martha Stewart on politics and Father Time. With no other viable candidate even in the running, as Biden sits this one out, it seems the democrats are stuck between a rock and an old socialist.
That brings us to the republican landscape.
The Apprentice Donald Trump
As everyone sits with bated breath, waiting to hear the phrase “You’re fired!” come from his mouth, Donald Trump has wowed and kept interest for the other absolutely wild things he says. His speeches leave some going, “What the ever loving fuck” while others shout “Fuck yeah, he is just saying what everyone is thinking!” To be fair, I don’t even think the Donald expected his campaign to be so successful. By aiming and leveling blame at almost every group of minorities, while focusing on the latino and muslim community, he has raised rousing support among white voters.
Donald has little in the form of actual experience. Each of his speeches seems like a reality show and even he doesn’t believe how popular he has gotten. The Trump can be (and has been) the biggest star of debates he isn’t even participating in!
The Candyman Ted Cruz
Sorry. Where did that come from? Ted Cruz has gained momentum as the republican dark horse by drawing heavily from conservative bases. By making church and state no where near separate, he has called upon God to boost his poll numbers. Boy, has it worked. He is a candidate that actively blasts anyone who makes their way to his cue cards. With trademarked faces, he has gained a scary amount of support. Move over, Drake, this is a real started from the bottom now we here story.
The thing with Ted Cruz that makes him arguably the scarier of the two republican candidates is his political policy savvy. He knows exactly what he wants, has his agenda and has zero fucks given for deviating from ultra conservatism. In an era considered to be super progressive, this Senator Palpatine is hell bent on becoming emperor.
Marco Rubio, you smiling doll faced senate skipping man, you were suppose to do what Paul Ryan couldn’t. Now, the republican party scrambles to back the candidate that hasn’t bashed the party too severely. Honorable mention to Jeb Bush, for being the Bush that was just a little too late to campaign (by twenty years).
This is our political landscape. An ex- first lady who was/is no Eleanor Roosevelt. A socialist from Vermont who looks like he might have come to America on The Mayflower, A business turned celebrity turned politician who spews visceral crazy, and an ultra conservative most would say they thought they recognized from an episode of To Catch A Predator.
God Bless America, we have outdone ourselves.