Husband of the Year Every Day, Not Just Mother’s Day

I am arguably the greatest husband in the world. I wasn’t always though, and along the way I found a special way to tick off my wife by pressing her buttons like I was smashing out a fatality combo in a fighting game (FINISH HER!). Every so often I will see my wife needing me to show her I still care by doing that shit that absolutely pisses her the fuck off. Here is the definitive list of my  usual shenanigans doting and thoughtful ways of showing the wife that I still care.

  1. Putting a dish in the sink right after she has washed all the dishes, followed by the words, “Looks like you missed one”
  2. Leaving my clothes in the bathroom after taking a shower, only to later bitch about how I can’t find my favorite T-Shirt.
  3. Losing my glasses and complaining about clutter only to find my glasses in the bathroom where I took them off to shower.
  4. Refusing to take out the trash, citing that the only thing I did all day was dirty one dish and lose my glasses, not throw something away.
  5. Taking out the trash but refusing to reline the can because I didn’t feel like it.
  6. Feigning an urgent bathroom break only to shout as I close the door that the baby needs a fresh diaper.
  7. Telling my wife that I don’t feel good because she wants to go shopping for curtains.
  8. Telling my wife that I don’t speak Spanish when she tells me to do something I don’t want to do.
  9. Yelling at the top of my lungs, “Baby, less you talk more me talk!” when she tells me about something she saw on Facebook.
  10. Laying in bed for an hour even though we have a twenty minute window to get somewhere, then throwing on clothes in ten seconds and bitching about how my wife isn’t ready and takes forever.
  11. Actively ignoring my wife asking for the remote that is right next to me because I don’t want to listen to SVU in the background as I play on my laptop.
  12. Responding with “food” when asked what I want for lunch after dropping passive aggressive hints that I am “starving”
  13. Saying “No” to every option listed for lunch.
  14. Go in for a kiss and at the last second lick my wife’s face.
  15. Asking my wife is she could grab me something to drink and while she is gone changing the channel to sports.
  16. Shouting “BONER PALACE” and considering it foreplay.
  17. Shouting “BONER PALACE” as she talks on the phone to her mom.
  18. Demanding we go to Walmart, only to leave immediately because it is too crowded
  19. Sending her back to Walmart to get what we didn’t get.
  20. Asking her why she hates me, because I have been starving since three.
  21. Telling her to, “surprise me” with food from some place.
  22. Responding to her “What do you want from _____?” with “send nudes”
  23. Painting the kids with homemade face paint I learned how to make (sorta) on Pinterest.
  24. Painting the kids with homemade face paint that stains the kids, making them look like they need to go the doctor.
  25. Painting the kids with homemade face paint an hour before church.
  26. Texting my wife the words “BONER PALACE IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS” while she sits at church with green hue kids.

Let’s stop there. I don’t want to sell away all my secrets! Let’s just say that anytime you shout boner palace at your wife is a great time for her and you. I try to go above and beyond for Mother’s Day, by doing a little breakfast in bed BONER PALACE, before and after church.

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8 comments on “Husband of the Year Every Day, Not Just Mother’s Day
  1. Your lovely wife is a treasure.
    You are completely and hilariously out of your mind.
    Number 10 is a requirement of husbandhood.

  2. Oh, you ALMOST have the title, but my husband has a variant of every thing on this list, PLUS when I ask him to PLEASE put a liner in the trash (or do almost anything other teensy, little task) he throws his hands in the air and sighs “do I have to do EVERYTHING?”

    He says you can use that if you want.

    You’re welcome.
    ManicMom recently posted…Baby Daddy and the Sitter DogMy Profile

    That is my new favorite phrase, and I will use it everywhere, least of all where it is appropriate.

    WHY isn’t that damn comment luv working? BONER PALACE!!!!

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