Sometimes you have to spice up your sex life. My wife and I have a great sex life, let that be known. Bow Chicka Wow Wow! A married, with children, sex life is a tough thing to maintain. It’s almost as if kids are fine tuned internally to break down in tears or need something at the moment their parents are reaching peak levels of horniness. I can’t tell you how many times I have swore at a baby monitor transmitting the whines of a cock block from two rooms away. It is tough and frustrating, but a good relationship should require a healthy sex life. Well, healthy enough- a little depravity never hurt too much. Our sex life is good, great even, after three kids. You keep it that way by changing it up and trying new things. Like sending surprise Dick pictures.
Now, this isn’t to say Diana and I haven’t exchanged sexually explicit photos before. We are young, horny and sorta-kinda perverts. So this picture had to be special. It had to be apart from the normal run-of-the-mill sexting. I had to send it when she absolutely wouldn’t expect to open her phone and see my… boner palace.
This left me with some options. Should I send it when she was at work? That would be pretty surprising, and horrible! She works in an environment where people are constantly around. Really didn’t want to expose myself to a group of people. The voyeur in me was not jumping with excitement to show myself to her coworkers.
What about a nice wake up penis pic? Well, I work at night and my job isn’t exactly where I get super horny. I didn’t want to be in a bathroom stall taking glamour pics of my penis. I needed a comfortable setting to set proper dick picture angles and such. A bathroom stall at my job wasn’t the ideal place to snap some pics.
This left me with one option.
In the middle of a fight I would send her the surprise picture.
Yes, in the middle of a fight, at the height of being mad at each other was the best time. I planned and plotted it out. I had to. I couldn’t wait for a fight to occur, because we don’t fight too much. I had to create a fight. I needed to start a fight, so I could send the picture of my phallus to my wife.
In retrospect, I really can’t believe I spent hours planning the execution of sending my wife a surprise dick picture. I don’t spend that much time planning family getaways, so maybe I need help. I don’t even think I spend that much time planning or coordinating anything. Dick pics though? I will apparently lay out outlines and blueprints for those.
Are there couples out there that don’t fight about money or bills? When the internet cut out because Diana forgot to pay the bill I was upset. I was also excited. OPPORTUNITY folks! Opportunity! It was going down! pictures were about to be sent! After feigning anger over the bill not being paid I exited stage left and went into the bathroom.
I should note that I had the foresight to store a dick picture. Which is very dangerous. What if I was scrolling through the pictures of my kids I show everyone and BAM! Briton penis in your face. What if I was showing pictures of the kids to my wife and a dick pic popped up that she had never seen? I mean, I feel like that would be a hard sell. I know she would know that dick, and she would also know whether it had popped up on her phone. I pride myself in my Dick pic taking ability. No one dick pic is the same. So what if she saw this picture before the right time? Just hanging out in my phone?
I continually shouted “Baby, that picture was for you! It was a surprise and a present! Baby please don’t go!” As my wife packed her stuff and the kids and headed towards the door.
Another issue I was worried about were performance issues. What If the fight was about, I don’t know, something mundane. I wouldn’t be hot and fired up over a fight that was about bills. There’s no passion in that. I also couldn’t stand there fighting with some raging boner. I don’t think that would go well either.
“Why do you have a boner over us fighting? Fucking sick!”
So, the wife and I began to bicker over why the bill wasn’t paid. Me and my dick pic were READY! I feigned being upset so well you would think I was literally upset! Okay, I spend my life on the internet, of course I was pissed off that was the bill she forgot to pay! Forget to pay the cable bill or something, I never watch tv I wouldn’t have cared! Not the internet bill! As the fight got heated I did the old fashioned Throw-your-hands-up-shake-your-head-while-sighing-heavily thing followed by a walk away in frustration. But frustration wasn’t why I walked away! I walked away to send a picture of my penis!
In the other room I pulled my phone out. I didn’t have to pull my penis out, I already had that part covered remember. Man, this was going to be awesome! She had no idea it was coming! Excitedly I located the picture which was awkwardly situated between pictures of my dog and family. There it was, in all its glory. I pressed send…and waited.
My wife and I have iPhones and it shows when someone receives your message. Says “read” right under the sent message. As read popped up I was all sorts of ready to see her reaction. She was about to get a surprise wiener-gram from her loving husband. Then came the ellipsis! To save others from having to google it like I did, the ellipsis are those three little dots that pop up indicating someone is typing. She was typing a response to my picture! I had reached peak excitement.
So what was my wife’s response to the sneak-a- dick? Did it…titillate her?
Didn’t even phase her. She didn’t even comment on it! Her response was that the internet will be back on in a few! It was like the dick pic didn’t even surprise her.
Uh- HELLO! My dick! Your phone! Surprise!
Nope. Nothing. She flat out ignored it like it was a regular normal thing to send. You know how deflating that was? My dick didn’t matter, she was used to it. It could not surprise her, even in a fight about bills. As I sulked out of my dick pic sending headquarters I mumbled “thank you” as me and my shlong made our way back to the computer. I haven’t given up on continuing to keep our relationship spicy though!
Next week I am going to try hanging naked in the doorway like a perverted Spiderman. She will probably just walk around me though.