NaNoWhatTheFuckAmIDoing

November 1st marks the dreaded month long grueling spartan race known as NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. The purpose, is to put together a novel in a month. A few weeks back I decided I was in a good place to attempt the challenge I have only recently even found out about.

I have been blogging for a little over a year. To be exact, I have been writing for 1 year 2 months 21 days

or 14 months 21 days

or 63 weeks 6 days

 or 447 days

 or 10,728 hours

 or 643,680 minutes

 or 38,620,800 seconds.

But who is counting? Clearly not me. In that time, I have gone from silly to serious about my writing. They say ten thousand hours is required to master a practice. I am proud to say I have finally figured out which there, their, they’re to use in a sentence.

Talk about progress. 

So, for the past 38,620,800 (I am sure it is much higher now, as I continue my mastery of word-slinging) I have done a whole lot of writing. At the beginning, I was publishing from my phone. I actually didn’t have a laptop, at all. I used my wife’s work laptop for a whole two posts before she left that job, having to turn in the laptop. Sheepishly, I lied and blamed my children for why I had to use my phone.

“They broke it, they broke my laptop because they hate me”

(While this is PARTIALLY true, my laptop was broken long before I began blogging. I believe it was broken during my drunk youtube internet sensation that plays the guitar days, which can be found here, I wouldn’t click it at work, or ever.)

I was embarrassed to say that my only means of writing was my iPhone. I knew people didn’t take me seriously. I didn’t even have a computer and I was trying to be a writer. I needed to write though, it kept me up at night.

It is hard to describe how words keep me up at night. The need to write almost suffocates me daily. Once it was turned on, well, I couldn’t turn it off if I wanted to. My mind races through memories, sizing them up and wondering how they would be to write. My conscious is a librarian, scrambling around trying to find what is just right to share, while still busily taping off parts as restricted.

When I don’t write, I don’t sleep. Once my mind has decided it has something to say, a recorded loop goes on in my head,

“It is time. This needs to be said. Now is the time to say this. It needs to be said”, followed by a rough outline of exactly what I will sit down and write.

I once heard a quote, from a famous sculptor, I believe I heard this in Venice so I assume it was one of the famous artists that were later immortalized as Ninja Turtles. The quote basically stated that his statues were always stuck in the stone, and it was his job to free them.

This resonates with me. A lot of the time, these words are already there and my fingers blast away furiously at the keyboard, releasing them from their prison in  my mind.

Sound crazy? Is that artist enough for you? 

It is crazy, even I can admit that. It doesn’t make it any less real. These aren’t my words, just like they aren’t yours. These words are their own.

Yes, so I decided, with the words becoming increasingly impatient, to do NaNoWriMo.

Since I decided to take this challenge. There have been two panic attacks and serious consideration of committing blog suicide before erasing my social media presence as much as possible.

I don’t want to fail. I am having a really hard time with self-doubt over it. Something that I keep with me is the memories of how people reacted when they found out I wrote exclusively from my phone.

“You need a laptop to blog.”

Well, I had a family to provide for and no extra income for a laptop. So, no, I don’t need a laptop to blog.

( I have a laptop now, and you don’t need a laptop to blog- if you are reading this wondering about writing- consider this- PEOPLE ONCE DREW ON FUCKING CAVE WALLS. You don’t even need a pencil to draw. Use what you have. Whether it is pen and paper or the blood of thine enemies. If you want to write, don’t let anyone tell you what you “need” to write. The only need there is, is the need to do it.)

Seriously.

But, you know, you need a laptop to word-sing.

Two panic attacks, with the challenge five days away, I am all but ready to give up on myself. Self-doubt and insecurity are raging a war inside with words that need to come out.

Self-doubt and his pal, insecurity, are telling me of all the things I “need” to write a book. All this time I “need”.  All these books I “need”. All this space, purpose, outlines, everything I “need”.

I just need to fucking do it. 

-The Words

So here I am. On the precipice of what, in my mind, is glory or defeat. Taking on another challenge, ill-equipped and without my needs. I have something that trumps need though.

I have the words, coupled with desire and passion.

Bring on NaNoWhatTheFuckAmIDoing, because I am ready and excited for the experience.

 

Also, I really fucking want it.

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12 comments on “NaNoWhatTheFuckAmIDoing
  1. Show me a writer without crippling self doubt and I’ll show you a shitty writer. I’m freaking out and scared too. I have no idea how to go about this. But I’m trying to just put 2000 words on paper a day. Then I can spend a year cleaning up the mess. You got this Briton. There is no failing. Failing is not even trying. It’ll be a bloody mess but somewhere in there you’ll have some genius writing you can build on.

    You got this. We got this. We are going to kick NaNoWTF’s ass.
    Gretchen Kelly recently posted…Parenting In A Trigger Happy CountryMy Profile

    • Exactly every word that she said ^^^^^! We can do this! We got self doubt and we got words! Good ones, bad ones, swear ones, and heart lifting one of a kind ones. Let’s do this!

  2. You are a very talented man if you can write a novel in 30 days while taking care of 3 children, a wife and working. Can’t wait to read what you finish.

  3. You already have not failed just by deciding to write a novel. Look how far you have already gotten. You write an amazing blog and you put into words what so many of us just can’t . You are humourous and honest and such a talented writer. You got this and you’re gone own that fucking novel!

  4. I had a dying MacBook with software that was 8 years old and couldn’t be upgraded when I started blogging. I did almost everything for the first year and a half from my phone as well. Voice to text, and then edit the hell out of it all. Or Swype,and then still edit.

    Can’t wait to see what you come up with in November!

  5. I woke up on Monday and October was nearly over, I found myself asking myself, “What the hell were you thinking?? You can barely remember what day it is or which name belongs to which kid! Write for a month, a novel??” I almost cried. Then that beast inside me. The one that keeps me awake, the one that eats away at me and forces out the words that make me who I am as an artist a writer growled loudly. I felt a fire burning inside me more fiercely than that doubt! More strongly than the anxiety and panic. “You will write! Like you always write!” It spoke. So write I shall- until I turn in whatever falls from my mind to the pages!

  6. Good for you, dammit! I on the other hand have been on a no writing funk!! Instead of just writing, I’m thinking too much. I also have had to be more careful what I write on my blog because of my husband’s work situation – which sucks! I don’t want to feel limited or filtered!!

    Do you have any idea what you are going to write your book about? I have some ideas but not sure about it. I think I am just going to go into this with no pressure and just write away without editing. I plan on making it fun (dammit) and letting the words flow. GULP.
    brickhousechick recently posted…Serve Your Man FirstMy Profile

  7. Words are assholes sometimes. They swirl and wake and drive me crazy. That’s the story I am sticking to–about being crazy that is. It’s the words. It’s the words. Day 3 was the easiest so far. I started off thinking my protagonist had a concussion and turns out she is schizophrenic. Way more fun to write and I can work duct tape into the story which is a bonus because duct tape fixes everything (even broken stories I hope).
    Kristine @MumRevised recently posted…NaNoWriMo is Totally a WordMy Profile

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