peeling away the layers, an #OBPwordswap

Ostentatious. Fair enough.

I don’t know if I have been called ostentatious per se, but I have been accused of having a god complex. That felt really great! Apparently, having a god complex isn’t a compliment. At least it wasn’t when said about me. Not the first time…or the several times after. It seems the general consensus among people who are not fond of me is that I am ostentatious. Which made randomly getting this word all the funnier. I can’t get away from this subject. So, ostentatious? Fair enough.

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Let us peel away MY god complex piece by piece, layer by layer.


         First and foremost, we can talk about the “birth” of Punk Rock Papa. My Facebook page came about out of sadness and loneliness. I was at a point in my life where I felt completely alone. I would work, come home, kiss my wife as she ran out the door to work, and raise my kids all day. My conversations consisted of  “You hungry bubba?” or “Is it nap time buddy?”. At work I really don’t socialize. I work in an environment with a high turnover rate. If you haven’t been there for at least a year it is likely I won’t talk to you because I expect you to stop showing up to work one day. A majority of the people are middle-aged job surfers who have a GED and some sort of substance dependency. Not exactly the people you can have stimulating conversations with. Sure, I have a few I get along with, but at the end of the shift we all go our separate ways. there is work camaraderie, nothing more.

 

So here I was, exhausted and sad. When my wife and I did talk, it ended up in a fight over the frustrations of living paycheck to paycheck or being unable to have an actual relationship because of our conflicted schedules. I felt, in no simpler way, like a single parent. All I wanted ever from my page was to talk to other parents, and know I wasn’t alone in this world.

That is all my page ever was or is. Me trying to talk to parents and not feel alone in the world. 

Then, people asked me to blog. Over and over, “ You should try blogging!” Honestly, I didn’t want to and resisted. For the most part, I didn’t (and still don’t) read blogs. But, people wanted me to write. And I did. When I did, I found a place I could put all those things I had pent up inside. It didn’t matter how many people read it. I read it, and I became more familiar with myself. I healed through talking about things I had never felt right talking about. I found my true voice.

Apparently I am pretty good at it, people continue to read. If you are reading this now, then you are a testament to my ability. There comes the god complex. My page and my blog are only two-thirds of what make up my grandiose delusions of infallibility.

I started a group. Punk Rock Papa’s Brain Storm Bunker. The Bunker. Originally it was a handful of page admins I had met along the way. All likeminded and open folks who I felt a certain connection to. We took the Bunker and grew it. Along the way we picked up more Bunker Punks. It was a place where we talked about everything under the sun, from writing to deeply personal things. Everything was shared freely and openly. It’s always been diverse too. Parents of autistic kids, the parents who are close knit and waiting to be judged or bullied, joined parents of  neurotypical kids. It was a place where we weren’t anything but parents. We became a family of sorts.

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It is my group only in title, but the life pulse comes from people all over the world treating each other like loved ones. That is all I ever wanted and all I care for. Not feeling alone. I don’t sit there expecting people hand over indulgences. I just don’t want parents to feel alone. The Bunker is my village if you will. There are no expectations other than friendship and understanding.

The understanding that no one has to feel alone. 

I have grown as a writer and a person through my page, blog, and this Bunker. Throughout it all I have maintained the idea that we all have voices to be heard. Throughout it all I have only wanted to know I wasn’t alone, which transformed into me wanting others to know they aren’t alone either.

Somewhere between being a lonely father to twins and now, I developed these ostentatious traits. These traits people hate so deeply in me. To be honest, I hope I am ostentatious. I want to impress and be over the top. It is a far cry from the person I was less than a year ago who needed to start a page so he could feel like he wasn’t developing a deep depression. So yeah, I will take this God complex, and wear it like a golden robe. I will show off what bears my name, in hopes of impressing the lot of you.

Working hard has left me healthy, happy and hungry for more. I want to continue to grow. To hone my craft as a writer. I take refuge from the world with my Bunker Punks and I hope they hold me up, as I would for every single one of them. I love my page. I love my blog. And dammit, I love my Bunker.

What were we talking about? The word of the day is ostentatious right! What a shitty fucking word to draw for a writing prompt. Of course I am ostentatious, I spend half my day online talking to strangers and writing about my feelings. I run a page, a blog and a group- all with my name on them. Every blogger out there is an ostentatious person. Not all of them are so ready to admit it. The people that actively deny it are no better than the ones who flaunt it.

 

Look at where I have gotten, on my own merit. I display it proudly and without any shame. If that means I am an ostentatious person with a god complex, fair enough.

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25 comments on “peeling away the layers, an #OBPwordswap
  1. I have to say by far of all your posts I have read, this one is my favorite! We kid you a lot about you having a ” god complex” but we love you like a brother because you are a kindred spirit. ❤ awesome post.

  2. HMM I don’t see God complex…I don’t see ostentatious. I see confident, creative and perhaps a bit cocky 🙂 But you are right, to be a blogger, to put ourselves out there and share our stories requires some degree of self confidence. Some have more than others but to be honest I think those of us that are less confident in our writing aspire to be more like writers such as yourself….You share with abandon and you share from the heart and you don’t let others opinions keep you from writing what you want how you want it. You are supportive of all the BP’s even though some of our writing might not be your cup of tea, you can appreciate the words that someone has painstakingly put on paper. You will never please everyone and success is sure to bring envy and jealousy. Don’t let others get you down…just do what you do!

  3. Isn’t is ostentatious of them to think they can call you ostentatious?
    I am so happy for you that you found your voice, and your happiness. As I am finding out, most bloggers began blogging as a quest to find something they were missing, We are so lucky to be able to that, rather than just sit around bitching aimlessly about other people that can find their happiness.
    We did a post recently on social media too, it has been a life saver for us, and we have formed some great relationships.
    It is an amazing feeling. You should display your accomplishments proudly. You deserve it!
    christina recently posted…Top 10 Signs that Your Life Might be a Daytime Drama (or, you might be the poor, distant cousin of the Kardashians)My Profile

    • I think what sets some bloggers apart, and I will be pretentious enough to include myself, is we write with a purpose. It is almost as if this is a vision quest of sorts for us, we are all on a path to find something. Thanks for reading! oh and link that social media post, would love to read it!

  4. It’s nice to learn more about you and how you got started blogging. Life is so damn tough, no one can prepare you for the difficulties that come with it. I adore my kids who are now 21 and 19 but raising them was by far the hardest thing I have ever done and still doing. 🙂 You were smart to reach out to others so that you did not feel alone.

    You’ve got your hands full with those adorable children of yours. One day at a time. Dia a dia. 🙂
    brickhousechick recently posted…A Fitbit For Someone With RA & Fibromyalgia:Ha,Ha,Ha,Ha!My Profile

    • I am so happy to have you here! I was actually telling someone about your FitBit piece just today! Still laughing over it.

      Raising kids is beyond tough, with all the difficulties comes the most rewarding feelings I have ever felt. It doesn’t take away from the difficulty but it makes it worth it. I am lucky to have stumbled awkwardly into so many great online friendships that get me through this journey one day at a time. Thanks for being here!

  5. I have never seen or described you as ostentatious. That perhaps would make me ostentatious with a judgement complex to assume that. You picked up my lonely heart and invited me into your secret world. I grew to know you through your words, and connected with your heart. A heart that beats loudly and proudly for the ones you love. In your home, heart, on your page, and in your bunker. Thank you Papa for being wonderful, talented, compassionate you.

    • Oh JLaw <3

      You are too sweet to me! You have such a special place in my heart and in my family (both Bunker and real life) thank you for being a part of that secret world, you are irreplaceable.

  6. I loved this entire post, Briton, but you ended it with the best line ever…’Look at where I have gotten, on my own merit. I display it proudly and without any shame. If that means I am an ostentatious person with a god complex, fair enough.’

    Yep, Pretty much.
    Sandy recently posted…Interview With an IntrovertMy Profile

  7. This is funny timing considering my post in the Bunler last night 🙂
    Finding people to connect with, to share in each others’ struggles and celebrate in each others’ wins! We live in a time where we can be total strangers connected over the internet and building a community… And then one day… You realize :These people aren’t strangers anymore.
    I love this. Even though you changed the ending- the message is still loud and clear.
    TracyontheRocks recently posted…Sleeping My Way Up The Company LadderMy Profile

  8. All bloggers are Attention Whores. So what? We’re not hurting anyone. We’re just trying to fill a need.

    Considering what life has been like for you, you deserve to wear that *God Complex* like a fucking badge of honor. Keep doing what you do, my friend. And remember our battle cry:
    WRITE FREE!!!!

  9. If you don’t build your own dreams then you will work for someone who is building their dream…
    Go for it!!! You have a thing about you. Own it. Put your name on everything you create. Do it for you, do it with love and it will all come together.
    This post rocks. Gracias.

  10. I love your posts and who cares what anyone thinks anyway. I totally get it. Blogging is awesome for so many reasons and bonding with others and sharing such sacred parts of ourselves feels amazing. Sit on your throne and wear your label proudly and of course…. Keep writing 🙂

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