So has begun the days of potty training! The day started with high expectations of at least a rudimentary understanding of the functions of the toilet. It is a little after noon now, and I have lost all my wits, thanks a lot potty training.
My foot feels forever unclean, and I still sense there might be some urine resting in toe crevices. The internet, which has never been found to be wrong, told us to keep them in one room. while stuck in that room they should be nude. So, we trap them naked in the living room, okay. This shouldn’t be a big deal, easy enough right?
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
I started my morning super motivated. I was ready to be the Mr. Miyagi of toilet use. I happen to be rather great at peeing in a toilet myself, so how hard could it be to teach two year olds the trick? readying myself to sensei the kids in the art of toilet-kun-do, I was filled with confidence. Bring it on potty training!
The first hour was filled with my toddlers playing tickle our ding dong. How do you tell a toddler to stop wanking it to Doc McStuffins? Well, I now have that to add to my resumé. I had quelled their creepy touch myself session, then Princess Sophia came on. Wank City was promptly revisited. And this time, no amount of “Stop touching yourself” was working. Princess Sophia is now banned in this house because I cannot unsee these things.
If toddler touch myself was the worst part of this situation, I wouldn’t have such a problem with potty training. Unfortunately, This was not the worst part.
After touching their magic sticks became out of fashion, one child promptly peed on the wall. This was a lovely experience, because afterwards he clapped and smiled, because the wall was where I wanted him to pee, not the toilet I constantly walked him to for the past hour. Out came the bottle of cleaner! I cleaned the pee up and put the cleaning supplies away only to see the other brother peeing IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT!
This wasn’t even the worst part of day one in potty training.
So, with fondling and wall pissing finally over, my children decided it was naked dance party time. This was actually kind of cute, because naked toddlers dancing to Dropkick Murphys was really funny to watch. which lead me to another issue. as my kids flailed around shaking it like they just don’t care, I wanted to share with my friends the adorableness I was getting to bear witness to. You really can’t share this moment without everything you say coming out in a way that would get you an interview with Chris Hansen. I couldn’t videotape the moment for fear of some weirdo pervert online or social justice stick up my ass person seeing it and causing all sorts of mayhem. I can’t even say I recorded the moment in my mind without feeling like Tobias Fünke, which I probably sound like right about now.
This isn’t even the worst part of potty training.
After a few hours of plying the children with candy and cell phones, the boys finally were just sitting on their potty’s. Great right? If they never move, eventually they will pee in the potty! When that happens, I can reclaim sensei status, scream “Victory is mine” and they will finally understand the chair with holes true purpose. I was excited, constantly watching for a stream or tinkle ( back to sounding like Tobias, great!), when one son got off the potty. In my mind I though “Okay, let him stretch his legs and then he will go back to sitting and maybe peeing.”
Now before I move on, many will notice I said sitting to pee. I really don’t know much about teaching someone to pee but i figured it would be easiest to teach them how to sit and pee than later on teach the finer points of aiming. I don’t know if this is the “right way” to do it, but hey if it isn’t why don’t you come train these kids.
So my son looks at me and smiles, which I take to be a good sign, he is happy and maybe even motivated to let the stream run in his little potty. I smile back, because I am not a heartless bastard and love my kid. That was my mistake. The kid took that as an invite over to be next to me.
Then he peed nonchalantly on my foot. Might I add he returned to his potty afterwards and clapped. He was so proud of leaving his potty to piss on my foot that he clapped. I didn’t even immediately clean my foot off. I just sat there in awe at the pure audacity of this child to knowingly and purposely piss on his own father.
And that was the worst part of potty training.