Punk As A Toddler

When I had the twins I fully embraced fatherhood for what it was. A crash course in growing up. As every friend who had drunkenly declared me to be “like family” fell off I quickly embraced being a dad.

It was a lot of fun. There was now meaning to life. There is a certain fulfillment that comes with raising kids. From milestones to just run of the mill days where you sit and share a bowl of ice cream. You can catch yourself with a little sense of pride and love. The things that were once important, beer pong and forties, have nothing on the feeling of joy that comes with a half hour of giving your kid a piggyback around the house.

And then you get in the toddler years, where your kid decides to break in to the heavily guarded kitchen and smash a carton of eggs while you were using the bathroom. Or, while you are cleaning said eggs up, when your son decides to dip his head in the toilet bowl. Why would he do that? You look on in pure wonder at what would cause a kid to dunk their head in a toilet only to see them spiking up their hair. Because you taught them spiking up their hair was cool.

It is at this time, despite all the love in the world, you start trying to take the old xbox apart in search of a flux capacitor to take you back to before walking and independence.

Seriously, my kid dunked his own head in the toilet. We have to go back. How about when your kid took a pen to his arms and legs then while you asked him why he would do that he just pointed at your tattoos. You can’t even help but smile and fill with pride as you sit there scrubbing pen away.

I thought we partied hard before kids. I have NEVER been to a party where someone dunked their head in a toilet to fix their hair. How about when the dog ran out and two toddlers hustled behind her shouting “Stelwa! No! Oh, noo! STELWA!” before the dog ducked its head in embarrassment and circled back inside.

Life is different now. There is no denying that! I have toddlers who like to jump on the couch while listening to Rage Against the Machine. Toddlers that throw water bottles and go, “Oh SHeeeit!” (burying my head in shame there).

Ever been choked by a toddler while his brother socks you in the nuts? I have, too many times to count.

What am I saying? I don’t know, too sleep deprived from the roller coaster rave toddler party that has been my life for over two years now. We have enjoyed this party hard lifestyle so much we decided to add a third to the mix. That and we don’t really know how to properly use contraceptives apparently.

You want hardcore, punk as fuck living? Kids are way more true to the punk lifestyle than anything I did before them. My kids like to spin in circles before trying to walk and crashing into a heap of laughter. Have you ever spun really fast and then busted your ass? I mean, I am sure you have gotten super drunk and busted your ass. Toddlers do that on the daily, for enjoyment.

My little homegrown anarchists enjoy Mickey Mouse, Dropkick Murphy’s. And CRUSHING sippy cups of milk. When that is done they like to run up on little girls in the grocery store and extend their hands out asking to be picked up.

My kids are WAY cooler than any friend I ever lost. I live my life now with three little wildcards. Sure, there are diaper blowouts and tantrums but honestly? Honestly this is the best fucking time I have had, ever.

The crazy shit my kids do. Like climbing the bar style chairs we have, totally tops all the things I did to be wild and crazy. Seriously, they have been climbing these chairs since they could raise themselves up. No fear, nothing. I once climbed on a roof and then sat up there for an hour questioning what made me think climbing on to a roof was a good fucking idea.

My kids have me beat in the crazy cool category. Even how they dress. Shirt, inside out head through an arm hole. Wow, that is fucking style, mate. Not to mention the two legs in one leg hole of shorts that are pulled up to their stomach.

These kids do something I always thought I did. They go to the beat of their own drum. You can’t help but love that about kids. They are too young to realize there are things like social etiquette. And seriously, that is punk. Kids have the joy of living life to the fullest. When pesky parents aren’t always interfering in the fun they smash eggs, dunk their heads in toilets and jump around screaming to Social Distortion.

It is something to be envious of. Living young and free. Honestly, a part of me never wants to break that craziness. Fuck social norms. And fuck my old friends. This toddler crew is way more bad ass than anyone I ever rolled with.


I am just kidding old friends, please come babysit these punks.

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4 comments on “Punk As A Toddler
  1. Children are awesome! It’s amazing how much they actually teach us isn’t it! I had a childhood friend tell me I would hate kids when I grew up, if that’s the case I guess I’m not a very grown up 37 year old cause I still love kids!

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