Want to raise your kids right? As a young parent, your credentials are forever questioned when it comes to child rearing. There is a whole section at your local bookstore with conflicting methods of raising a kid so they end up like Bill Gates and not Charles Manson. You can be taught by some stranger how to raise your kid for $23.95! Well, unfortunately, not everyone has $23.95 to invest in parenting. How horrible, after spending your entire paycheck on diapers and wipes you can’t afford parenting advice from Dr. Snobby McBowtie. Good thing is, there is a certain Punk Rock Papa willing to teach you his ways in return for likes on Facebook. So, let’s not take out a second mortgage on the house and just get yourselves a copy of the FREE Punk Rock Parenting.*
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Here is installment ONE of Punk Rock Parenting!
Your kid is going to begin looking and acting like a monster around six months. When they become completely intolerable, you will notice lovely little chompers poking out of their scream holes. This is the go ahead sign to transition into solid foods.
It’s statistically proven that all children are unable to properly get food in their mouths. Like magnets with opposite polarity or a force field, getting all of the food in your child’s mouth is scientifically proven to be impossible. With this knowledge, you as a parent need to prep not just yourself for every feeding, but your home as well.
Ever seen Dexter? Whatever room you are feeding your child in should look like Dexter’s kill rooms. Floors, walls and ceiling need to be covered in plastic. You don’t want to miss a corner, or forever stains will adorn the walls.
Now that you have quarantined the hungry little hooligan, take that adorable and expensive outfit you bought off of the child. Trust me. If it isn’t removed it will be forever stained with your mistake. Set your diaper baby up in a high chair. High chairs are amazing. Favorite time of the day should be imprisoning your kid in this chair. It would be too easy to slip into a tangent over how awesome it is to belittle your kid with airplane noises as you shove broccoli in their mouth. Word is you can’t do this as they get older, so embrace it during their younger years.
Now, it’s going to get messy, hope that’s clear by now. But what about a baby bib? Oh, man, why didn’t We think of that?!
Bibs are these disgusting washcloths that you can strap around your kid. They cover a small portion of the chest, because the person who created them apparently didn’t realize kids enjoy getting food everywhere. The bib is good if it has something stupid written on it, but other than that is rather useless.
This method involves taking the food and launching it at your child from three feet away. Think of it as the catapult method. Just scoop up whatever slop Gerber has convinced you to buy and sling it at the kid. The nutrients your child need will find their way into their mouth.
Don’t ask why, just put on some heavy metal. Not talking armor, although it is optional to also strap up, this is about music. The amount of thrashing involved in this method requires the music. This approach is much more hands on and will leave you covered in puréed mystery food. It involves actually trying to make contact with your child during feeding. Properly making contact between mouth and utensil. Kids HATE this. It is too clean for them. Little known fact, children are odd little beings that think they can absorb nutrients through there face. You have to be quick to get any food in the mouth and watch out for flying hands! Kids flail out when approached with a wild spoon. Just keep trying to make contact and pass off the nutrients. You will know when mealtime is over by the Rorschach print on your shirt.
Now these are two sure fire personally tested methods. However, my editor informs me that not including other methods would be insensitive and open the company up to claims of cultural insensitivity. So, here are a few more methods. It should be noted they are not tested and if it wasn’t for the editor, these methods would not be included in Punk Rock Parenting
Take your child’s food in your mouth. Make sure whatever you are feeding them is thoroughly swished around, to gain any parent wisdom, spit the food in your child’s mouth. The bird feeding technique is popular among celebrities who got tired of Kabbalah but still want to be progressive and new age.
Thank the hippies. So new age. Gently place the food and utensils in front of your kid. Watch in wonder as your child auditions for a part in Blue Man Group. This method is super effective at discovering any book or cranny you might have missed while plastic covering the room.
Popular among many parents with too much time on their hands this involves feeding your kid while pretending you are paparazzi. You need to have your phone at the ready and a fake smile on. Snap as many pictures as you can cram down your friends throats while simultaneously cramming food down your kid’s food hole. Facebook allows twenty-five photos to be uploaded at once. With this method you can make your friends feel obligated to like at least seventy-five to a hundred photos of your food art project a day.
Whatever method you choose, as long as you are feeding your kid a few times a day people will be proud and amazed at the responsibility you show. No one will remember all the plants you forgot to water or goldfish that died of starvation at your hands.
And there you have it! Part one of Punk Rock Parenting! Tune in to next week’s installment to learn some games to play with your children that do not raise them into little Hannibal Lectors!
What would you like to see covered in Punk Rock Parenting?