Wow! The first blog post, something I have been putting off for quite some time. I guess it’s more of a fear than anything. What darkness or melancholy could come out? What sadness have I repressed that’s only waiting to be poured out. As I crack a beer (you think I could tackle regret sober? Come on man!) I try to look back on my life and everything that has brought me to this point. Do I regret taking drugs frequently and carelessly throughout my teens and early twenties? I guess so; I was certainly trying to drown out anger at my family, pain for always feeling the need to fill the black sheep role. Do I regret moving out at seventeen? It forever broke bonds and ties with my family that to this day have yet to be mended. Do I regret dropping out of college after two years and couch surfing? I’ve learned those people who hung around when the bottle was full are all gone now. There is so much regret to be had in a life where the lessons were always learned hard and painfully, but no I can’t quite pinpoint the regret I feel the most.
The biggest regret I have is my inability to let go of all those dark moments. I hold them up and throw them in my face as I stare in my eyes. A shame fills me looking into my eyes. Look at the pain you’ve wrought! You are a fucking mess! When you stay up late wondering about why everyone is gone you know the reason. Because you are a destructive asshole. I go days filled with hatred and regret top five towards ever being born. How dare I be such an inconvenience and failure to those around me?
Then I look at their faces. The love they fill my soul with. Just now thinking of how they brighten up when they see its daddy waking them after he gets home from work. I know that I can’t live in past failures. They brought me here. Killian and Nicolas don’t know about the time Daddy was going on cocaine fueled rampages. They don’t know daddy went from being top five in his college psychology class to passing out with a bottle on friends classes. They only know daddy puts them to bed at night, wakes them in the morning and shows him all the love in the world throughout the day. I know my biggest regret and mistake in life is to hold my past against me because my children deserve the best of me, they don’t deserve my anguish and misery at what I’ve lost. I don’t want to teach them to hold their faults against themselves. I want to teach them to look past their mistakes and regrets and focus on becoming better, stronger, and smarter.
Sometimes I spiral out of control focusing on past mistakes. I can’t focus on the good. Two beautiful children, a full time job, a 3 bedroom apartment, a loving spouse, a loving dog and some of the best friends that I have ever had. I am surrounded by good. These people wouldn’t be here if I was a mistake of a person would they? I want to be the person my children see when they look at me, not the twisted, hurt creature I see in the mirror. The only way I can do that and raise my kids to see themselves as flawed and fine is to let go of the past regrets not let them eat me alive. I’m not there yet but I’ll keep fucking trying till I am. It’s time to look in the mirror and say fuck you past, I have forged the life I want and now to forge the person I want.
Punk Rock Papa