Someday my wife will murder me.

My wife might murder me one day. I’m pretty sure she will get away with it too. Diana loves those murder shows. You know, the ones with the women who take out life insurance policies then off their spouses. I’m pretty sure she watches them for research purposes.

It’s only a matter of time before it happens. So I’ve decided to put together a list of possible reasons for a future cyanide sandwich. These are all very plausible causes for why my wife finally snaps.

1) Laundry

I never do laundry, ever. When we moved into our current place the first thing we got was a washer and a dryer. That was the beginning of March. How many times have I used them? Not once! I never do laundry! Without my wife, my clothes would just pile up in a corner of my room. Before Diana I was terrible with laundry, when I needed socks I would go out and buy a pack of socks from the store. 90% of my clothes were Febreze cleaned. Sure, I’ll fold some clothes occasionally but I always have an excuse not to do laundry. From “there’s monsters in the basement” to “I have to use the bathroom can you do it for me” I refuse to do laundry.

In addition to being allergic to laundry I also suffer from compulsive changing disorder. I wear about four different shirts a day. I’ll go from a short sleeve to a thermal back to a new short sleeve only to return to long sleeve before settling on shirtless. All before noon time! I don’t just change my shirts fifty times, I leave them everywhere. Shirt comes off, gets thrown somewhere in whatever room I’m in. Guests probably think we are some nymphomaniacs because my clothes are EVERYWHERE.

2) Dishes

This is a hostile area in our house. I hate doing dishes! Who doesn’t? I’ll wash sippy cups and things of the toddler nature but that’s it. If all the bowls are dirty I’ll pout about the house as I eat cereal off a plate and drink milk from the jug.

This is a hot button issue that has lead to fights. I think I’ve washed a full sink of dishes two or three times. The only reason? My wife literally threatened to withhold sex. No more sexy time with dishes in the sink. You can only be strong for a few days before that threat becomes a real issue. We are a young couple, sex is still fun, going a few days without sex is like becoming a born again virgin.

Speaking of sex…

3) Aftercourse

Sex is awesome, if it wasn’t we probably wouldn’t be on the verge of having our next kid. It’s after intercourse that I get myself in trouble. I’m not a cuddler, at all. After doing the dirty dirty I want to do one of two things; go to bed or eat a bowl of spaghetti. After bang bang time my wife likes to snuggle up next to me and ask what is on my mind. I fail that question. Every. Single. Time.

“I’m hungry.”
“Is there anything on tv tonight?”
“Do we have spaghetti?”
“Spaghetti”
“I love you… But seriously spaghetti”

I can’t help it! My first instinct after a good horizontal shuffle is to run to the fridge and carbo load. I just got done working out, it’s my favorite exercise but still, I need to hydrate and refuel. My libido doesn’t run on cuddles and sappy conversation. I love my wife but if We’ve been doing some boot knocking I need to follow it immediately with a energy boost. At least put some power bars and gatorade by the bed if you want to keep me in it after coitus.

4) Public

I can’t be taken anywhere. I don’t like people, they annoy me. To bring me in public is like taking a dog to the vet, she has to tug and tug my leash to get me out of the house. Once in public my ability to speak with out thinking shines through. Kids say the darnedest things, Briton says the craziest things.

I have an amazingly low tolerance for ignorance and stupidity. If I see someone doing something dumb, I have three snarky comments for them. I also get a huge case of stroller rage. I’m such a defensive driver when it comes to public places. Don’t you dare unintentionally bump my kids stroller, you will receive glares and sarcastic comments. I will ask for your insurance information if you bump carts with me.

5) Sleep

I fake sleep to get out of doing things. If I don’t want to do what’s asked of me I turn narcoleptic. It’s a technique I have honed and perfected over the years dating back to my childhood. The instant Diana asks me about something I don’t feel like answering or asks me to do dishes I immediately fake sleep. I’m sort of like a opossum except I’m defending myself from responsibility.

Let me tell you, it pisses Diana off. Like really pisses her off. Out of everything on this list this is the most likely to get me killed. Diana flips out when I suddenly fall into a coma because I don’t feel like taking the trash out. I’ve even got a snore down for these rather frequent occasions.

Needless to say, I’m doomed to become a plot line in an upcoming Law and Order. I’ve accepted this and have always known it. Whenever my wife is mad at me those shows get turned on and I see her typing away on her phone. I can only assume she is typing notes so she can get away with the perfect crime. Keep your eyes out for a Dateline special when Punk Rock Papa goes missing, just don’t be surprised when they don’t find my body.

Is your significant other plotting to kill you? Are you plotting to kill them? Do you think I’ll get a whole special or just a segment?

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10 comments on “Someday my wife will murder me.
  1. This is hysterical. I’d like to mount a defense, but i believe this post will make her acts justifiable. On the one hand you’ll be dead, and that’s a bummer. On the other hand, at least your wife will be able to continue raising the kids, so you got that going for you, which is nice.

  2. I also am not a cuddler. The first time I finished having sex with my Ex he asked me, “what are you thinking?”
    I answered, “I’m thinking the Drew Carey show is on. Pass the remote.”
    He proposed to me right then and there.

    I love this post. You’re lucky to be alive.

  3. Oh Briton you make me giggle. I like to carbo load too. So I went from thinking you’re hilarious as your descriptive writing style makes me feel so captivated. To thinking I should actually read this to my husband as a warning. I have a whole new respect for your lovely wife and I see a course on laundry 101 in your near future.

  4. I’m with That Shameless Hussy on this one! Seriously, though, Diana is one good woman to put up with you. I love her more, now. And you can tell her if she ever needs an alibi, there’s a Hussy in Mississippi that will provide her with one! You two are awesome, and reading this proves it!

  5. Thank you Bloggy Throwback for this gem! I would totally kill you as well. Although my house is a disaster and there are ALWAYS dishes in the sink. But it’s okay because it’s me that’s slacking. If the hubs was slacking … I’d be irate. So, it’s a good thing he doesn’t watch those shows or I’d probably be concerned for my well-being. Though, he does like those First 48, Cold Case type shows … uh-oh. I’ve definitely got to work on my Narcolepsy.

  6. I watch those shows 24/7. I have several theories I could work from to my advantage. Arsenic is not good and can be detected in hair, years later. Must be cremated to complete plan. It’s amazing how many people fall into the grand canyon every year but no one would believe my husband voluntarily went for a hike. I could let you in on the true plan but then you might be called to testify. Btw, the list you wrote I’m sure would constitute justifiable homicide if your wife got caught. Great post!
    Elena Peters recently posted…Life Change:5 Point Plan For Non-Risk TakersMy Profile

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