Star Wars: The Force Awakens, A Movie Review

I was determined to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. So determined, in fact, I convinced myself my kids would sit through a movie about men with giant glow sticks. I took the two three-year-old children who can’t sit through anything that doesn’t have Mickey Mouse or the characters from Inside Out in it. But hey, Star Wars is now directed by Mickey Mouse, right?

Eighty dollars later, we made our way to our reserved seats. This was high-class cinema. 3-D glasses were handed out, with one kid giving the, “only douchebags wear sunglasses inside” look to me as we battled back and forth to keep the glasses on his face. With five minutes before lights dim, our nachos sat on trays, with fancy packaged chips.

A half hour of trailers left the floor running with spilled soft drink. The fizzy drink wrapped and twisted around globs of nacho cheese, creating what appeared to be a crime scene involving a man who bled nacho cheese and Sprite.

My kids gave their best impression of Mystery Science Theater, throwing chips and shouting “Oh no! Uh oh” at the trailers. As a toddler stuck to me with the glue of corn syrup and cheese, the thunderous theme of Star Wars roared through the theater as the lights went black.

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*Whole ton of DUN and DUNDUNS* 

Up the screen scrolled the prologue. It was happening! I whispered excitedly, word for word, what scrolled up the screen. Sure, I was covered in theater cuisine, but Star Wars!

The movie started with something happening which I don’t remember because at this point there was a loud crackle, as my son detached himself from the cheesey syrup goo that bound us and made his way a seat over to his mother.

“Ma! Baby? Ma, baby! Ma”

For those who don’t speak toddler, I can translate this for you.

“Hey Mom, did Dad really spend eighty dollars on this? I mean that is cool and all, I just don’t think it is fair that the baby gets to hang with Grandma while I sit here watching a movie about people who play with large glow sticks and use mind powers. I should have had a choice in the matter, don’t you think? Anyways, take me to grandma’s or I’m gonna throw myself on the floor.”

It was this point in the movie where his brother nodded in agreement, hopping off his mother’s lap, turning to her,

“Ma, Baby!”

*Translation*

“He is right, I demand you take us to Grandma”

As jackets were put on and shh noises echoed around, Darth Killian and Darth Nicolas made their way out of the theater with Emperor Ma. There I sat, with soggy half-eaten nachos (at like fifteen dollars a chip, you best believe I ate every last one of those), watching what is now the most expensive movie I have ever watched. My kids refused to be indoctrinated into the Star Wars culture, which I kind of have a sigh of relief for because I don’t really care for Star Wars. Or I didn’t, before I spent eighty bucks on the last one. Did I mention I spent eighty bucks to watch the movie by myself and hold my bladder after drinking one and a half large soft drinks? Anyways, super fan now, would recommend the movie to anyone who have kids who might actually want to stay through more than the rolling opening.

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