The other day I officially became old. It wasn’t my birthday, but it was still a day of realization; where the two years of #DadLife had finally caught up to me. James, my best friend, came into the house and said he smelled weed in the hallway. Now, this would be cool- if I smoked weed. But I haven’t done that in ages and I don’t really enjoy the dwelling I raise my kids in smelling like Reefer Madness. I went to investigate, only to find two stoned teens in the basement we share with our upstairs neighbor.
So there I was, questioning two fourteen year olds about why they have bloodshot eyes and can’t stop giggling. One of the kids was the son of my upstairs neighbor. I knew him pretty well, good kid for the most part. As I sat there grilling him, his buddy got mouthy.
“What’s your problem, you’ve lost your chill”
My chill? What the fuck does that mean? My mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what the fuck my chill was as I yelled, “You get off my property! You get your friend off my property Gio, right now!”
As they scattered like the little punks they are, the chill thing stuck with me. Am I really that old that I don’t know the cool sayings anymore? I am only twenty-three damnit! I should know what my chill is! I can’t lose my chill yet if I don’t know what it is! This was a problem for me, a big one. Later that night I sat up, researching Urban Dictionary and listening to the latest rap tracks in order to find my chill. What I found was a foreign language and crap lyrics packaged as “rap”. I get it, you can rhyme bitch with bitch- you genius you! Anyways, I forced myself to understand it all, because when those punks come back they are going to get fucking served!
I am sure that I am not the only parent out there feeling over-the-hill, so I figured I could share what I have learned with you all.
Let’s start with a crash course in texting, these kids have their own lingo and I have found a few pieces so I can help you to decode whatever slim thug is messaging his peeps.
Now, most of these are pretty easy to decipher. What about a Sex Barbecue though? Don’t you worry- I have braved Urban Dictionary and found out.
Yeah, there will be no Sex Barbecues this summer. You kids are going to have to find another place for that action, I won’t have my Sweet Baby Ray’s wasted on your sick perversions.
This wasn’t the only research I did. I also looked into women. Now, I know some feminists come to my blog from time to time (awkwardly looks in Gretchen’s direction) but just know, I am getting the information out there for other parent’s so we no longer look stupid talking to the new generation on the up and up. They have some interesting lingo for women. Gone are the days of her being my boo. Now she is Bae. Bae. Now, I don’t know how Bae came about. I assume without digging too much that it was a missed letter and laziness that created Bae. You can find more information about it’s origins in Esquire, but I don’t have time for that old man magazine, I am trying to get back at stoned teens.
Another name for a woman is a Thot. This is where I am worried about Gretchen, because this is the next-gen version of bitch or hoe. It literally stands for That Hoe Over There. So, next time your kid or a kid calls you a thot, you smack them and don’t regret hitting a child. You’re being Thotful.
We weren’t here to research women. I already have my
boo Bae and I am very happy with her. No need to go thot hunting. No, this whole thing started as a need to find my chill, whatever it is. I mean, it would have been easy to google lost my chill, right?
Going through the SIX possible things I lost, I assume it is 4 that I “lost”. I guess you can’t describe yelling at 14 year olds for smoking weed in your basement as easy going. guilty. Now that he meant I wasn’t easygoing, I need to have a good comeback for next time I see the little fucker.