With Christmas fast approaching, it is time to put on winter wear, drink a cup of coffee (out of a Christmas approved cup, obviously), and brave the shopping centers in search of presents for children. While doing so, it is important to make sure not to present shame other families by putting an over abundance of gifts under the tree. At the same time, there is that tugging need to give kids what we might have wanted but never got as children ourselves.
When the fuck did Christmas get so difficult? Thanks a lot, social media, for adding a whole new level of etiquette to the holiday season. Don’t these people know it doesn’t matter the color of the cup, as long as the rum is mixed evenly with the eggnog? (Two thirds rum, the one third of eggnog softens that burning sensation just right, you’re welcome)
Christmas should be about getting kids the stuff they need, like gaming systems that will keep their attention so the dishes can get done. There needs to be a tin of butter cookies to eat before purchasing the gym membership I will use for the first two weeks of January during the “New Year, new me!” phase. The crafts are getting out of control this time of year, so a popcorn tin needs to be bought and emptied so it can be refilled with craft items while we sob at the realization that no longer are we becoming our parents but now we are becoming our grandparents. We are one season away from asking for a Life Alert button.
As we Instagram pictures of us dropping clothes off at Goodwill and donating canned goods, lets not forget to grab a selfie with the Salvation Army guy because Karen on Facebook doesn’t think we know the true spirit of the holidays. Fuck you, Karen- I saw that red cup in the background of your profile picture, Christmas hater.
As social media sets itself upon Christmas, no longer is holiday spirit measured by the amount of lawn ornaments and lights hung up, but now on the amount of likes the picture recently shared of baby Jesus in the manger got. If that picture doesn’t pass thirteen likes, the holiday season is officially ruined.
Tis’ the season to be jolly, not jelly. It is the time of year to argue over real trees vs. fake one. Those pine needles, they linger until July. It is time to drink too much spiked egg nog out of coffee cups, while drunkenly signing up for caroling for the third year in a row. You can’t hold a note, not even if the fate of Ol’ Saint Nick depended on it. Seriously, why do you do this to your self?
It shouldn’t be about what the Karen’s of the world think. The Debbie Downers, determined to publicly reprimand the choices of others during the wintery season. Hearts are supposed to grow three sizes from being clogged with cholesterol and kindness. The Christmas Carol is supposed to be played too many times in all its leg lamp and Red Ryder BB gun glory. You’ll shoot your eye out!
It is a time of year to do things with family, like drink too much with that uncle or aunt who may have a drinking problem we turn a blind eye to because they are so goddamn funny after a few glasses. To go sledding down hills and build snowmen. To place the carrot not on the snowman’s face, because no White Christmas is complete without a little dirty humor.
It is a time to provide, in whatever manner you see fit, for those you care about. Little faces lighting up brighter than the christmas lights. Rosy red cheeks and ugly sweaters. The holidays are for togetherness with the people that matter to you. It should be spent drinking out of whatever cup you see fit, while handing out as many presents as you want. Happy Holidays is, quite literally, the greatest alliteration in the history of alliterations. Let’s put the Happy back into Happy Holidays with some rum and a whole lot of love.
The Meaning of Christmas