Dear Mom At The Park,
I am writing this in the hopes that you read it. I would tell you this to your face, but your face is buried so deeply into your phone that your phone is no longer making those noises as a ringtone, but climaxing because you hit its cellular g-spot. Your kid pushed my kid, for the thirteenth time. My kid looked at your kid confused. For the thirteenth fucking time. Want to know why he is confused? Because some asshole keeps pushing him. Usually during a confrontation, my kid is used to an adult coming in and intervening. Where is the adult my kid wonders.
Oh that’s right, the adult is finger fucking their phone like it’s prom night. The slide isn’t a babysitter, ma’am. I am sure, after a tough day of doing whatever the fuck you do in your life, coming to the park was a great cool down. But, you forgot one thing when you got here and quickly went about copulating with your phone. You forgot to teach your kid not to be an asshole.
Yeah, your kid is a dick. Head honcho of the asshole brigade. And why do you keep randomly saying, “play nice, sweetie!”? We both know your kid could be being a perfect angel and you would be none the wiser while you hit all the right spots for your phone to reach its data limit. No, you know your kid has a hard time playing nice and didn’t care when you pulled up to this venue. All you cared about was letting the playground watch your kid.
No, the playground wasn’t built so you could go off and canoodle your phone. If you pulled your phone six inches away from your face you might notice I have brought my kid over to a corner of the park. What are we doing? Oh, nothing, just teaching him how to throat punch your child. I will videotape it so it pops up on your phone and you can tag yourself in it.
I am sorry if I might sound a little irritated. It’s because I am. Currently I am foraging ’round the park trees for a nice stick that I can toss to my son to even the odds against your child. Stop the cellphone coitus and watch your fucking kid. The playground isn’t your babysitter.
P.S. – Fuck you and your kid.
Originally ran July, 8th, 2015 on The Soap Box