This Is Your Brain On Children

My brain is fried. Thanks children!

The other day I had to google an age calculator to figure out how old I was.

I mean, I had an idea of how old I was.  I was only off by a year or so. The physical signs of parenting haven’t set in yet, unless you count the spit up stains on half my shirts and spaghetti sauce stains on all my pants. I haven’t found a gray hair or a fresh wrinkle yet, thank god. Can you imagine finding those at twenty-err…three?

Yes! Twenty-three according to this.

I never expected children to take such a mental toll on me. The partying of yesteryears never ravaged my memory like a toddler all hopped up on ice pops can. I feel like my life has turned into one long montage of me wondering why I entered a room and what I needed in said room. All day I draw blanks, punctuated by cups of coffee and dirty diapers.

I have to write lists now. LISTS! Not cool lists either. I am not creating awesome top five High Fidelity style lists here. These are lists that make me remember to do the day to day things. I wrote a list the other day that said “feed the kids” on it. FEED THE KIDS! How can you forget that?

But I have.

You know that red faced emoji? The one with the big eyes? Hopefully I remember to find a picture of it for this section. Anyways, ten minutes before bed time two weeks ago I had to rush around and make dinner because I forgot to make it. Let me tell you, I think I could do good on one of those cooking competitions! I would just make Raviolis with a side of I-hope-this-isn’t-expired bagged salad.


Yeah, three kids have knocked me off my A-game a bit. I couldn’t tell you what the latest is when it comes to pop culture. I just found out Honey Boo Boo is no longer on the air! Does that mean—OH MY GOD, where is Jersey Shore? Who the fuck are the Duggars? What happened to Jon and Kate?

I can tell you about the rift between Goofy and Toodles on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse! Or what evil witch is plotting to steal Sophia’s amulet this week. I am on top of all things Disney Jr.. Need a Doc McStuffins update? I am your go-to guy!

So, I have lost my memory and my cool in the know factor. Traded them in for lists reminding me to feed people and the latest Disney drama. What happened to me?

I will tell you what happened to me! The name of my afflictions. CHILDREN!

When my kids aren’t trying to spin me in circles or destroy all things expensive, they are trying to end up on a milk carton under the word missing. We were leaving a restaurant the other day and as I put one kid in his seat I turned to see his brother speed walking(Toddler running?) down the sidewalk. As I chased after the giggling sprinter I turned to see his brother climbing out of his booster seat.

Inside my brain some wires short-circuited and fried. My eye twitched slightly as wisps of smoke escaped my ears.

This is a daily occurrence.

By my calculations, I am looking at a lobotomy by the time I am twenty-seven. Which would be in…four or five years possibly?

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5 comments on “This Is Your Brain On Children
  1. Oh Papa I have experienced all the above. I’m also an “older” parent with a history of family dementia, and two kids intent on severing my last nerve with their shenanigans. I long for the days that I forgot to buy bread than forgetting to put the laundry in the dryer and just keep rewashing it. I relate, empathize and assure you that it will get better. As I have apps and lists to tell me what to do, as well as people. It will get better is what I mean by there’s always bedtime and beer time.
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