Toys, Toys, Toys!

A lot of people come up to me and say things like “Punk Rock Papa, you’re a parent guru! I need your help picking out toys for my toddler, please!”

To which I simply reply,

“Okay, fine! I’ll help. But I don’t work for free, I need two naps and a date night with my wife. Babysit for me or the master will not share his secrets!”

It turns out that price is usually a little too steep!*

* I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who is always free when I don’t need a babysitter but turn into Houdini the moment I need them to watch the boys.

So, I’ve decided to give up on selling my expertise to the highest bidder and share them, in hopes someone will offer to watch my monsters so I can go see that new American Sniper movie.

Toys for tots (Really catchy and original, copyrighting that)

As any other parent, I only want what’s best for my kids. I’m talking top of the line. The best of the best!

Here’s my secret, the Punk Rock Papa approved way. Don’t forget to watch my kids Friday night! Here it goes:

You’re going to go to the toys section and see some super expensive hunks of plastic brightly colored to attract your children into pickpocketing you. Take a look around at all the dollar signs, find the most expensive toy.

Check out its features! Wow, cool! If I buy a twenty dollar pack of batteries and three other equally priced toys made by the same company it would be super sweet! I’ll just empty the savings account, my kid needs this more than we need our rent money.

What a steal, right? Literally, you’re being robbed.

Okay, you can return that overpriced plastic hunk to the shelf.

Leave the toy section and go buy whatever else you need from the store and return home.

I know, I’ve lost a few people.

What about toys for the kids? My kid needs a new toy!

No, he doesn’t.

My house is filled with toys! it’s a nightmare. At any given time my floors looks like a hot wheels car dealership.

Here’s he worst part? My kids never play with them! They are sprawled across my floor as casualties of the battle waged daily in my house.

You know what my boys fight over?

A Box.

Before they became Latched on the Luvs box they would take and dump their toy bin and sit inside it, throwing hundreds of dollars of plastic to the side so they could play with a storage bin.

All day they play with two empty boxes. Pushing them around, making car noises they could make with, I don’t know, THE CAR SET I SPENT AN ENTIRE PAYCHECK ON!

The best thing to get your kids isn’t an expensive toy or DOODAD. It’s an ordinary box.

Nurture your kids ability to make ordinary objects extraordinary. Dive in with them! Race a laundry basket around while you pawn laundry duties on your spouse!

Get lost with your kids and wake up in a day dream where you all are nascar racing or exploring some unknown terrain.

Now, we should talk cardboard boxes! I prefer the bulk diaper boxes! They seem to be a family favorite. We have used moving boxes too (mainly to reach the knife block, thanks Killian). The point is, if your kid can fit their bodies in it, they can unleash their minds within it.

Reawaken the child buried in you underneath the seriousness and maturity. The only way to grow a cardboard box into a race car, or whatever you decide, is for you to take the ride with your child.

Teach your kids they have the power to create something special from seemingly nothing! Trust me, you both will enjoy it. Sure, it won’t take away the years your kids have added to you, but it’s fun as hell for all parties involved. If you can’t get into cardboard box racing, then we have to kidnap you and deprogram the adult in you.

Give your kids a cardboard box. Raise them to find the magic in what is seemingly ordinary! Breeding creativity and imagination is the best possible toy for any child, including your inner child. A cardboard box, the best toy I ever got my kids.

Or you can steal that expensive toy you probably can’t afford. Whatever, I don’t care! Just watch my kids Friday night.


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9 comments on “Toys, Toys, Toys!
  1. My rule of thumb! If you want a clean house with a toddler (this is a myth it doesn’t exist) don’t buy them toys- my children have gotten more joy out of a paper cup and a spoon then all the toys in their toy box! Toys are unnecessary! 😉

  2. Seriously, if I lived nearby I would babysit. I didn’t even need this advice as my baby is 10 and I learned this information 18 years ago with my first. However, I watch a 2 yr old and a 9 month old regularly. 2 more boys to play with the 2 yr old would be heaven for me and awesome for him!

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