Wake For Young Souls

As a father of three boys I usually go the route of fake it til’ you make it. This means for a good part of the day I pretend to know what I am doing while my fingers are crossed hoping that something I have done hasn’t irrevocably fucked my kids up. Most days end with a pat on the back and a small fist pump. Others, well, they end with me staring down the bottle trying to drown out the recurring ringing in my head that is a result of listening to screaming kids all day. It is amazing how they can layer their tantrums so well some days.

Honestly though, every day is tough. There is no perfect parenting formula and even if there was I missed out on getting my blueprint on how to raise a responsible adult. Even the most well equipped parents find themselves screwing up along the way. I guess that is relative to perception though, no? I see someone with a lot of money and a son who just got thrown in jail for snorting blow out of a hooker’s ass crack and wonder, “What went wrong, they have everything!” without truly knowing what goes on in their life.

I do know that in my life I live with genuine bonafide fear.  I am scared to fuck up. Not just in the, “Oh, I snapped at my kid once on a bad day” or “I forgot to bake cookies for my kid’s class today”. I mean genuinely fuck these boys up, for life. Snort blow out of a hooker’s ass crack mess up their lives.

At any moment I am at risk of teaching my children the wrong thing. Something that might not be applicable to the future. Teaching them some bad habit. Unknowingly promoting poor behaviors. Every second I spend with my kids is another gamble. Double or nothing I manage not to permanently scar my kids. Parenthood has given me anxiety I never had before. I have THREE boys looking to me to learn how to behave and get along in this world. I have to provide them with the proper tools to succeed and when I look at it I feel absolutely ill-equipped for that job. Prepping three for the future. A future I have no idea of.

What are they learning from me? I hope it’s this or this. I don’t know though, no one does really, right?

All I can do is day in and day out go about parenting to the best of my abilities. My inability to predict the future drives me insane. How can I fix what I don’t know is broken?

When I fuck up, I fear it fucks up my children. Most days I think I have it right and even if I don’t I hope I have it right enough to raise well balanced boys. If I don’t? We will find out twenty years down the road when they are taking turns snorting from hooker’s ass cracks.

I can’t quit my kids, regardless of the fear and anxiety they instill. It is all rooted in love for them and a want for them to be the best individuals they can be. I attack parenting with a tenacity. From cuddling to disciplining, I do it all out of love and hope. I love my children so much that it keeps me up at night whether or not I am doing right by them. I hope I am. I hope, at the very least, I am raising three children who grow up to worry about the lessons they are teaching as much as I do.

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3 comments on “Wake For Young Souls
  1. Papa! This is beautiful and raw. I hear what you are saying and I understand the fear you feel of the unknown. The fact that you are aware and work on not ‘messing the kids up’ is amazing in itself. Many are not even aware or have absolutely no regard for their children. As long as there is love and discipline and humor, you will do fine. Just know that the kids will hate you when they are teens but then turn it back around as they reach adulthood.

    I am catching up on posts after having been a a wonderful vacation with a lot of R&R. I hope you enjoy your break. xo 🙂
    brickhousechick recently posted…Why I Love Gay MenMy Profile

  2. I really really love this!!! I have these thoughts every day and it’s scary! We just have to do our best and pray our weak spots are filled in by the things that are bigger and better than us rather than the opposite. Its scary business, this parenting thing. The fact that you worry about it means you’re doing at least something right though. Great post!
    Rachael Boley recently posted…How I Know Love Wins, For All Of UsMy Profile

  3. I think all parents (well, almost all – let me not generalize) live with this fear. I know I do. I used to micromanage every single moment of my kids’ lives and thought I was being a good parent. I have come to realize that, short of snorting blow out of a hooker’s ass crack and a few other effed up things, I am showing my kids how to be human. We all make mistakes and so much of parenting is flying by the seat of your pants. What works for one family doesn’t always work for the other. You give your boys the most important things, Briton. Your love and your time. You’re doing just fine.
    Sandy Ramsey recently posted…Addiction: There Is No Courtesy CallMy Profile

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