What the F*ck is Konmari?

Awhile back, I wrote about needing a new hobby. I got some awesome feedback over the hobbies I should pick up, even putting some of them to action. I am now a farmer, my proud plot of dirt sitting in my kitchen windowsill. Three of the four herbs I planted might even survive my intense glares and constant watering. The forth never popped out the dirt. I thought about sacrificing a child to the great windowsill planter gods, but decided I couldn’t spare a child. And the knives were all in the dishwasher. I mean…

In my quest for hobbies led me towards all the cool and hip things people are trying these days. One in particular stood out to me. Konmari.

My laptop doesn’t even want me typing the word. It keeps auto-changing it to Kenmore.

Kenmore KONMARI is a decluttering method seeming to sweep the nation. While the idea of turning spring cleaning into a hobby seems, to me, to be absolutely mind-numbingly boring, it has really picked up among people I know. Good for them. I can’t hate someone for doing something they enjoy. But, I can hate what they are enjoying.

It’s not you, it’s the Konmari.

I wonder what is next? Is Konmari new? I don’t know, because I stopped reading up on it. On account of I fell asleep.

Maybe Konmari scares me. Is it the final rite of becoming an adult? Does it lead to the mystical Laundrigami where I find myself folding underwear into triangles to better Feng Shui my underwear and sock drawer?

I have a lot of questions about Konmari. Growing up, when we practiced Konmari it went something like this:

“Clean your room or I am going to come up there with trash bags.” 

Is this the same thing? If so, I am very familiar with Konmari as my parents practiced it on my room at least a few times while I was growing up. Now, I am sure at this point, my blog has been put into the ‘does not spark joy’ category, headed to the trash along with that book you’ve held onto for sentimental value for the last decade.

I am sure Konmarenthusiasts (I made this up, but feel free to use it) will scoff and say, “How is this any more stupid than your precious football games. At least we are doing something on our Sundays other than spilling nacho cheese on our shirts”

To which I reply- Football is a NATIONAL TREASURE. Watch your mouth. I just started a diet and this is goat cheese. It isn’t even football season, talk shit on the current seasonal obsession of hockey.

But seriously, if any Konmaraddicts want to come over and declutter my house, this is less an attack on your art than a plea to clean out the piles of shoeboxes filled with random stuff that take up space in my closet. I reserve the right to shout “SPARK OF JOY” at anything I want to keep and offer you permission to fling things at my head for making fun of Konmari. Please don’t use a black trash bag as it gives me flashbacks of when my parents would trash bag my room after I promised to clean it multiple times.


This is a picture of a puppy, victim of Konmari after too many accidents in the house. 

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4 comments on “What the F*ck is Konmari?
  1. I would suggest having a Konmari party. Ask each person to research the concept, and invite them over to ask what changes they would make in your house. Ask for demonstrations. While they each try to outdo each other, you could go spark some joy in the back yard.

  2. I have no idea what Konmari is but I think it is, in fact, a fancy word for “throw it all away”. I can do that. Just ask my kids.

    For the record, you ARE a joy sparker. Maybe not every day but, dude, that’s just exhausting.
    Sandy recently posted…Hello From the Other SideMy Profile

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